Stop Silencing Victims

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of my past between writing and releasing my book and and being part of a news story that aired last Friday night on abc7news.com.

I have read and heard responses from so many people who are proud of me and the others that I am proud to call friends, for standing up and telling our stories. It hasn’t been easy, but it is necessary to help others.

I have also been asked, “what took so long?” Or “Why now after all these years?”

What is the answer to these questions?

Society, as well as our abusers, silenced us.

Our abusers told us they’d do worse things to us if we told. Or they convinced us that nobody would believe us anyway.

Maybe we believed our abusers. Maybe our abusers were right, nobody believes us. If you watch or read that news story above, people didn’t believe the victims when they told what happened to them.

The pain we suffer from the acts of abuse however aren’t what keeps victims silent; it’s society that keeps us from telling our story.

Society tells us it’s our fault, because of what we’re wearing, or not wearing, o because of what we said or didn’t say.

Society says we must be lying because so and so is a nice upstanding member of society.

Churches tell us that our worth lies completely in our purity and that nobody wants to marry used goods.

Parents tell us to wait until marriage to have a sexual experience because that’s what good kids do.

We are shamed into silence. We don’t want people to know we’re “used”, that we’re no longer “good”. We don’t want to be accused of “asking for it.”

The pain caused by the act of abuse is mild in comparison to the pain caused by being shamed into silence.

Keeping silent kills marriages and families. Keeping silent allows the pain to bounce around inside until you can’t take it anymore. Keeping silent is the most painful thing a person can endure.

When a former victim decides to speak out, listen to them. Know that for them to tell you their deepest pain is difficult and they know you can’t fix it, but it’ll ease their burden.

If a former victim decides to speak out, encourage them to file a police report if they are an adult, if they are a minor, do it for them, go with them, hold their hand and offer them a piece of your strength.

Sometimes victims may speak up years or decades after the abuse, because they can’t carry the burden any longer. Allow them to. Healing can take a lifetime, especially when the abuse is buried deep inside.

If a former victim tells their story, believe them. The vast majority of us are not going to make this stuff up; society is too hard on victims for us to want that.

I hope that every victim of every abuse gets the nerve to speak up and tell their story. Maybe then the abusers will be too scared to continue, but I don’t think that will happen until society stops silencing victims.