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I Cried in Class!

Yes, I really did cry in class. I was up in front, teaching a lesson, when tears filled my eyes. My students got a glimpse of my vulnerable side. It was a good thing, I think. I know it was a lesson they won’t soon forget.

In my psychology classes, we are just starting our unit on mental illness. Every year, I start this unit with a lesson about ending the stigma of mental illness and the importance of getting help if you are struggling with a mental illness.

The lesson started out simply enough; we defined stigma. Here’s the definition from the Cambridge Dictionary: “a strong lack of respect for a person or a group of people or a bad opinion of them because they have done something society does not approve of:”

Then we looked specifically at the stigma associated with mental illness with this:

“Stigma refers to a cluster of negative attitudes and beliefs that motivate the general public to fear, reject, avoid and discriminate against people with mental illnesses. Stigma is not just a matter of using the wrong word or action. Stigma is about disrespect. It is the use of negative labels to identify a person living with mental illness. Stigma is a barrier. Fear of stigma and the resulting discrimination discourages individuals and their families from getting the help they need.” SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), School Materials for a Mental Health Friendly Classroom, 2004

We had a little discussion about their attitudes towards mental illness and some facts about it, like the fact that 1 in 5 teens will experience a mental illness, which means their life will most likely be impacted in one way or another by mental illness.

Then we watched a couple of videos of teens and young adults discussing the way in which a mental illness has impacted their lives.

I ended the lesson by discussing several ways that each individual can help end the stigma surrounding mental health issues. These include: get educated about mental illnesses, listen to people talk about their personal experience with mental illness, respond to stigmatizing material in the media, speak up about stigma and watch your language.

The “watch your language” explanation was when I cried. Let me explain what happened.

I have Anxiety, Depression, PTSD and OCD. Thankfully, at the moment I am not having an episode of any of them, they have all gotten the memo that they are not invited to my party and are, so far, staying away from me. However, many of my readers know that I experience some dark times, where I feel like I’m drowning. It was the memory of one of those times that made me cry.

One of the “bonuses” of working in a high school is overhearing teenage conversations. Statements like this are common place:

“Maybe I’ll just kill myself so I won’t have to do that project/assignment…”

“I had such an OCD moment last night, I cleaned and organized my entire room.”

“I can’t sit still today, I’m so ADHD right now.”

“Oh my God! I can’t believe I just did that. I’m so retarded!”

Now, I don’t know the mental health status of all my students, but when only 1 in 5 deals with a mental illness, I can be pretty sure that many of the students who make such statements are just using the terms as adjectives.

These are mental illnesses, not adjectives!

In order to explain how this kind of talk can be stigmatizing, I chose to describe how OCD effects me at it’s worst.

In case you don’t know what OCD is, it stands for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

A person with this illness has obsessive behavior, things they have to do. It could be organizing their closet a certain way, it could be not driving over bridges, it could be having to check and recheck that the doors are locked every night before they go to bed. Whatever the behavior is, it’s obsessive.

Then there’s the compulsive part. That’s the thoughts and feelings that cause the obsessive behavior. Usually, this part involves a feeling of terror or panic. It is not just because the person has a moment and cleans their room.

So back to my story. I wanted to describe how OCD affects me.

Every evening I check all the doors to the house and make sure they’re all locked and the windows closed. In the summer a few windows are allowed to stay open if I’m not experiencing an OCD episode. However, whether I’m having an episode or not, the routine stays the same. That way if I’m having an episode of OCD, I won’t forget to do it.

When OCD is on vacation, I can check the doors once and go to bed, no problem. When OCD first comes for a visit, I will have to get out of bed a few times to check before I can fall asleep.

When OCD is at it’s most terrifying to me, I see the terrible thing that will happen to my family if I don’t get up and check the doors and windows.

OCD doesn’t let my brain just think about the terrible thing, no, OCD takes control of my imagination and shows me vivid images of it.

That’s when I cried. One of the vivid images took center stage in my brain, in the middle of the lesson. I’m not going to describe what I saw inside my head, but imagine the  worst,  gory, horror movie scene you’ve ever watched happening to your family. That’ll give you an idea of the images that flood my mind during an episode of OCD and that’s what filled my mind in that moment of my lesson.

So I cried.

They saw a mental illness’s effect on a real person that they see almost every day. Hopefully, it will help them to watch their language and realize those are mental illnesses, not adjectives.

P.S. I know that many people with OCD don’t have the same horrific images that I see. Some obsessions have much milder compulsions, but OCD is still intrusive and disruptive to the person’s life.

#endthestigma Proud Mom Brag

I have two awesome kids and I’m super proud of them a lot. They are both friendly, smart, and totally different from each other.

In this post I’m going to brag on my daughter, just to warn you.

If you don’t want to know the incredible thing she did this week, stop reading now.

If you do want to know what she did this week to make me so proud, please continue reading.

She’s in eighth grade and taking a leadership class. This past week they were assigned to give a short, informative presentation, like a TED talk, but only about 2 minutes long.

The students picked their topics and some were; the importance of the gas light in your car, art, phobias, being a blonde, being a brunette, there was even one about TED talks.

My daughter chose to talk about mental health disorders. She wanted students her age to understand how common mental health disorders are, how they affect people’s lives  and not to make fun of people who have them.

She cautioned people to not use the names of mental health disorders lightly. For example, saying you have OCD because you’re organized. She informed her classmates that saying those sorts of things can really hurt someone suffering from that mental health disorder

.

The best thing is she didn’t even tell me about the talk; she usually goes about her school life without telling me what she’s doing. A student in her class told her mom about my daughter’s talk because it made such an impression on her. That mom came and told me.

When I asked my daughter about it, she shrugged it off like no big deal. She just thought people needed to know.

I can not put into words how proud I am.

#endthestigma

Fantastic New Song by Avril Lavigne

I have been having a fantastic, busy past few weeks, I haven’t even had much time to blog, so I’ll give a quick update before I introduce this amazing new song.

Last year, I started having a hard time with the anti-anxiety medication I was on. It made me not care about anything and all I ever wanted to do was sleep, I was always sooooooo tired. I like to get one medication out of my system before starting another one, so I asked my doctor is I could take the summer off any medication so that I could see how I do without it. It’s been years since I haven’t been on medication and while it initially works, each one I’ve been on has ultimately left me feeling exhausted and not caring about anything.

By the end of May, I was off medication and I tried natural ways to relieve my anxiety. I have a regular bedtime that I do my best to keep, whether its a weekday or not. I do my best to stay away from food that is made more out of chemicals than real food. I drink far less soda than I used to and way more water. I also walk two miles most mornings before I do anything else and practice yoga stretching and breathing exercises while listening to a local Christian radio station,which a friend of mine DJs on.

Overall, I feel so much better. I have energy that I didn’t have at the end of my run with medication. I’m feeling physically fit, I can walk two miles in 30 minutes. I’m losing weight from eating better foods. I don’t feel anxious all the time about every little thing.

Having said that, my anxiety is not completely gone. I still have the occasional panic attack, complete with rapid breathing, tears, and my whole body shaking. Sometimes I know what situation has caused it, sometimes I don’t. What I do know is that all I have to do to get through it, is focus on something relaxing, and take some deep breaths until the panic passes.

I still worry about random things too. For example, this past week I was in Washington DC, where I used public transportation to get around. It was hot there, but I wouldn’t wear shorts because I didn’t want to put my bare legs on the seats in the subway trains because somebody else may have put there bare legs there. It doesn’t even matter though because I’m going to take a shower, so who cares? I did. Little things like that still cause me excessive worry, but I can function. I just wore pants and went on with my life, the same exact germs that I didn’t want on my legs got on my pants instead. It all worked itself out in the end and I had a fantastic time taking new people to one of my favorite places.

Now, to this song by Avril Lavigne, called “Head Above Water”.  The words of the song tell my story and the story of so many others who suffer with anxiety. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. Thank you Avril Lavigne for putting these feelings into such an amazing song and video.

This song brings hope!

“Accidental” Groping is Still Groping

I have been aware of Ariana Grande for years now, since she was in shows on Nickelodeon that my kids used to watch. I don’t know much about her career now as a singer, but I feel bad for what happened to her at Aretha Franklin’s funeral.

The Bishop first of all completely dismissed her when he made fun of her name then he made her into nothing more than an object by grabbing the side of her breast when he hugged her.

She is obviously uncomfortable by it and he should have moved his hand, but all society needs to learn that we need to stop forcing affection on people, then “accidental” groping would end.

The bishop didn’t know Ariana Grande and was a bit presumptuous to give her a hug and hold her for almost a minute while he stood there and talked.

Let’s just stick to shaking hands, there is no way to accidentally touch someone inappropriately if all we’re doing is shaking their hand.

It’s time to stop “accidental” groping.

To The MAN Who Yelled At My Child

Since I promised the police officer that I wouldn’t confront the man who yelled at my child, I decided to give him a piece of my mind here on my blog.

This is not a picture of him, its a random picture of an angry man from the internet. I have some manners and respect for people. I don’t take pictures of children; some with their parents, some not, while they walk by after school. I did however drive by and take a picture of his house after he yelled at my child.

So here it is my open letter to the MAN who yelled at my child,

You don’t know me nor my son and we only know you as “the man who live in the house on the corner near our school,” yet yesterday you felt it necessary and appropriate to lean over your fence, red-faced, and yell at my 10 year old son and another child about the same age, gesturing your arms wildly and using language only appropriate when slamming your thumb in the car door, or perhaps stepping on a Lego, barefoot, in the middle of the night, but never to a child.

You might say that the children were using that language too in talking to each other, and maybe they were, that does not, in any way, make it okay for you, an adult between 40 and 50 years old, to speak that way to 10 or 11 year old children. They are kids trying out language, you are an adult who should be setting an example for the children, some as young as 5 years old, who walk by your house every morning and afternoon on their way to the elementary school that you chose to live two houses away from.

Let me tell you how sorry I am. I am sorry that your life is miserable, shallow, and pathetic that you have nothing better to do than stand in your broken- toy and last-year’s-Christmas-lights littered front yard after school everyday with a camera to “catch” children on their way home from school.

I don’t know what you think you’re going to “catch” them doing with your camera. Maybe drop some trash, say some bad words? I have been picking my children up at that corner for eight years now and that’s the worst behavior I have ever seen.

I’m sorry that you feel so week that you make yourself feel better by yelling and cussing at children.

You have no idea what I wanted to do to you when I pulled up and saw you yelling at my son and that little girl. However, I am an adult and chose an adult way to deal with the situation because I want to set an example for my son and any other kids who have to deal with a bully.

I simply made a report about your bad behavior, in this case with the police department.

If you ever yell at my child again, I will make another report. If your despicable behavior towards my child continues, I will eventually make a report about harrassing my child.

You see, I am an adult. I know how to handle things in a responsible fashion, while you are among the lowest dregs of society and resort to bullying children.

An angry mom,

Mishell Wolff

 

I have Survived!

For us, here in my little town, school started two weeks ago and I have survived. There is only seven weeks left until we get our two-week fall break; that’s only 34 more school days. Or six more weekends.

However you want to look at it, we’re in the midst of it and having fun, at least I think we’re having fun, I’m too tired to tell.

One of the symptoms of anxiety for me is trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I regularly take 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep, while my husband can close his eyes and is out immediately. Then, I often wake up during the night and will lay there for two or three hours counting sheep, saying the alphabet backwards, counting down from 100 by threes, connecting countries, or any myriad of other sleep tricks I’ve learned, only to fall asleep just before my alarm goes off.

Lucky (?) for me, this week I have been so tired from school that I haven’t had any trouble falling asleep, or staying that way until my alarm wakes me in the morning. I’m loving it. I love my sleep.

I have amazing, complicated teen-aged human beings to take care of during the day and teach them about psychology or history depending on what class they’re in. Its fun! I love what I do.

Seeing those light bulb moments are incredible.

Knowing that they have learned that it’s okay to make mistakes is beyond compare.

Watching them realize that they are valuable and love-able is priceless.

My goal this year, is not to merely survive each day in exhaustion, but to make sure that each student knows, every day, exactly how valuable they are, that they matter and my class would be worse off without them.

So far, I think I’m accomplishing that.  I hope I’m accomplishing that.

I have survived and so will they!

Another Trip Around the Sun

So last week I completed another trip around the sun and celebrated my 44th birthday with family, old friends, and new friends. Be I also spent time reflecting on the past year of my life. It was a good, but challenging year.

Some of the good:

  • my book was published and is now carried at several major book retailers in digital and print format.
  • My kids and I all survived a year of school.
  • We made new friends.
  • I got to take my family to New York and DC.
  • I’ve learned more about my anxiety, how my brain works with it and more of my triggers to help alleviate severe bouts of anxiety.
  • I lost fewer days to migraine than previous years.
  • My son was finally, officially, diagnosed with Autism.

Some of the challenges:

  • My anti anxiety medicine caused more side effects than help.
  • My son was diagnosed with Autism, so now starts the challenge of getting him an education appropriate for him.
  • I was one of several defendants in a civil lawsuit, which brought many horrible life experiences back to the front of my mind and emotions.
  • I still lost some days to migraine.

Overall, this past year was great. I will look back on it with fond memories, every year brings it’s new struggles and the positive memories of the past year, as well as my family and friends will give me the strength I need as I begin a new trip around the sun.

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Where Did The Time Go?

Children look forward to summer break all year long. I’ll let you in on a secret, most teachers look forward to it as well.

If you read my post “Hello Summer, My Old Friend” , ” you know that summer has been a difficult time for my anxiety in the past, I haven’t been looking forward to summer break for the past few years because of it.

This year I had a plan. I was going to get through the summer without a major episode of anxiety or depression and with one week left, I have been successful.

I’ve kept myself busy with my family and running my kids to all their activities. I’ve practiced relaxation breathing techniques as well as yoga stretches to start each day. I’ve focused on God and his role in my life. I’ve limited my time on social media and seen a purse and worked on my next book.

Most of the time I try to stay out of my own mind. I’ve learned that if I spend too much time in my mind, it begins to lie to me and drag me into it’s depths. Social media adds to those lies my mind tells me, so I limit it.

I’m thankful that I’ve made it through this summer. I go back to school in a week and my kids go back in two weeks. I know the school year will bring it’s own challenges as we adjust to another diagnosis for my son, autism, as well as homework demands, learning new routines and meeting new people.

This summer seems to have flown by, where has the time gone? I’m thankful I survived it and know that will give me strength to survive the school year.

How to Stop Sexual Harassment

This week a former student of mine shared her #metoo story on Facebook and Yelp. Thank you Erica Yamane for your bravery in calling out those people and sharing what happened to you in your workplace.

This incident happened to her in a popular industry in our area, wine. I actually had the amazing privilege (read “agonizing horror”) of serving on a jury for a workplace sexual harrassment case for two months a few years ago.

Sexual harrassment happens in the workplace, schools, streets, shopping centers everywhere, and it never should, so I have come up with a few steps to finally stop sexual harrassment.

1. If you are married or have a significant other, only talk about sex with that person.

2. If you are “flirting” with someone and they don’t reciprocate, stop flirting with them.

3. If you say something to someone and they ask you to stop, then stop.

4. If you touch someone and they ask you not to, then stop.

5. If you talk to or touch someone and they look uncomfortable or disgusted with you, then stop.

6. If it’s not something you would talk about with your grandma, then don’t talk about it.

While not comprehensive, I hope this list gives a little help in putting a stop to sexual harrassment.

Everything I’ve read on how to stop sexual harrassment is speaking to the victim. In reality the only way to end sexual harrassment, is for the perpetrators to stop what they’re doing.

One last step…

7. If you need to stop and ask yourself, “can this be seen as sexual harrassment?” keep it to yourself.

I Made A Mistake

Disclaimer: This post is not about a particular person or event, unless specifically stated. It is about a general observation of society. Please only apply it to yourself as it applies to a general audience. It is about all of us.

When I was in high school, I was part of a youth leadership group at my church. The very first lesson we were taught was learning how to say. “I made a mistake,” along with the importance of being able to say that.

People make mistakes. Often. It’s what we’re good at. The only thing that we can be perfect at is being imperfectly human. With all the thousands of choices we face every single day, its no wonder that sometimes we screw up and make the wrong choice, say the wrong thing, take the wrong turn.

We all make mistakes. There’s just no way around it.

Not one of us is perfect; no, not one!

There are two responses that we can have when we make a mistake:

 1.  We can cover it up, hide it, pretend it never happened, be crippled by it

or

2. We can admit it, learn from it, grow from it, be freed from it.

 

Too many people seem to take the first route. They don’t want to deal with the consequences of their mistake so they hide it. Some may even try to blame others. Maybe try to bully those who call them out on it into silence. Threaten them with lawsuits, or go so far as to actually sue them.

In trying to hide one mistake, these people are making another mistake, while their first mistake continues to compound, becoming larger like a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering speed and mass until it explodes upon impact with a sturdy tree at the bottom of the hill.

When these people are confronted with the mistake they made, they deny it. There’s no way they did it. They’re perfect after all. Is there any proof they did it? Pictures? Video? Witnesses? Victims? If there are it’ll all be explained away.

For people who respond this way, the mistake they made becomes a way of life for them.

Then there are the people who when confronted with the fact that they made a mistake, accept it, learn from it and move on. Their lives are better for it. They aren’t trapped in trying to hide it.

The snowball stops growing. They don’t have anything to hide, even though they may have consequences of their mistake. My daughter made a mistake this week. We had six days away from soccer and she chose to spend the majority of those days laying on a couch reading. It was a safe mistake to make so I didn’t step in and try to fix it.

At the end of those six days she had to go back to soccer training in hundred plus degree temperatures. She had a hard time that day. When I picked her up after practice, the first words out of her mouth were. “I screwed up. I shouldn’t have just laid around. That was dumb.” I agreed with her and asked her what she could do different in the future. She came up with a bunch of different ideas for staying in shape away from the soccer field.

I want to be like her. I want to be able to seen when I’ve made a mistake, learn from it and do better in the future.

I don’t want to be trapped in a lie of perfection and denying that I ever mess up.

I am only perfect at one thing.

I am perfect at being an imperfect human, and that’s something I can learn from.