Category: Anxiety

Never Enough or Too Much

I spent a lifetime hearing from others that I wasn’t enough, or I that was too much.

I wasn’t smart enough. “Why isn’t this A an A+?”

I wasn’t dumb enough. “Oh my God, how’d YOU get an A on that?”

I wasn’t pretty enough. “You’re just lucky that I like you, with how you look!”

I wasn’t girly enough. “Do you even have any estrogen in you?”

I wasn’t Christian enough. “How can think that? Are you even a REAL Christian?”

I wasn’t American enough. “How can you teach about slavery; don’t you love America?”

I was too much of a nerd. “Do we always have to go to museums on vacation?”

I was too emotional. “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about!”

I was too anxious. “You know that’s not really going to happen, right? You worry too much about everything!”

I was too tense. “Can’t you ever just relax?”

I was too much of a vagabond. “Geez, how many places have you lived?”

I was too compassionate to others. “You want to take care of everyone else and you don’t care about your own family!”

I was too selfish. “I can’t believe you got McDonalds for dinner; you know I’d rather have something you cook?”

I was too needy. “I can drive you to school, but I expect a homemade breakfast every morning when I get to your house to pick you up as payment.”

For the longest time I believed them.

All of them.

Every.

Single.

 Lie.

Because that’s what they were. Lies. Lies that said I either wasn’t enough, or I was too much for everyone else.

Because I believed them, I started to hide things about myself that I thought they wouldn’t approve of. I tried to prove I was worthy of their love, their affection, and their approval.

I worked harder in school to get as many A’s as I could. I surrounded myself with other Christians, pushing away people who weren’t, keeping them on the periphery of my life, losing out on many good friendships in the process. I wanted my parent’s approval and love. I wanted the church’s approval. I wanted boyfriends to accept me. I wanted my husbands’ acceptance, love, and affection.

I did what I thought I should, I behaved how I was told. I stayed quiet about what I thought and what I needed. I went along to get along.

Even after a divorce, even after my mom’s death, even after being estranged from my dad, even after so much counseling, I still believed the lies that I wasn’t enough. I still believed that I had to prove my worth to others. That I had to keep my opinions, thoughts, ideas, to myself if they were in conflict with those of the people I wanted to be accepted by in fear of losing their acceptance.

I trust people will accept me for who I am, until they show me that they don’t. Until they say something or do something that shows me that I’m too much or not enough for them and then I fall into the trap of trying to prove myself to them.

That began to change in 2016 when I started writing my book, Worthless No More. As I wrote that book, I started to realize that I have worth for the simple fact that I am a human being and nobody has the right to treat me as though I am not enough or too much to handle.

I was created in God’s image. I was made to be just as I am. I prefer comfort over fashion and jeans to dresses, that doesn’t make me less of a girl. My curiosity is what makes me smart, I want to know things so I investigate and learn, it does happen to make me a nerd and want to go to museums in new places and I’m proud of that. I want to explore new places. I have experienced much trauma in my life, which has made me sensitive and reactive in certain situations, sometimes reliving past trauma, however none of it makes me unworthy of love or unconditional acceptance by those who claim to love me.

In 2018, about a year after my book was released, the movie, The Greatest Showman, came out. There is a song in the movie sung by Keala Settle, playing the bearded lady, titled, “This is Me.” When I heard that song in the movie for the first time, I cried. Right there in the movie theater, tears streamed down my cheeks because I completely understood the lyrics:

“I am not a stranger to the dark

hide away they say

’cause we don’t want your broken parts

I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars

run away they say

no one’ll love you as you are…”

As the song progresses it becomes obvious that she (and the others) have found their worth and are done hiding away and are proud to be who they are when they sing:

“I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me…”

I’m tired of being cut down and treated as though I’m not enough or too much. I’m tired of being an afterthought. I’m tired of hiding away.

This is me.

I am enough

There’s nothing I’m not worthy of.

Hindsight is 2020

As 2020 comes to an end, I’ve been looking back on the year, specifically the past nine months. These have been extremely difficult for so many people to say the least. As a meme that’s been going around the internet says, “We are not all in the same boat. We are in the same storm. Some have yachts, some canoes, and some are drowning. Just be kind and help whoever you can.”

This year has brought old as well as new struggles with my mental health. There were days that the thought of getting out of bed was too much, the effort it takes to live was too much. The difference this time is that I know that I’m valuable, I have worth and that made the struggle doable, it was like a life preserver.

I learned from a lot of people throughout my young life that I wasn’t valuable, that I was just a waste of space and time. My family let me know, adults and students at my school let me know, the people at my church let know and society let me know; I was worthless.

People didn’t seem to care about my feelings, they just dismissed my fears and anxieties as being over dramatic or just shy or just too much.

My mom used to take us to this park in our town that you had to drive on a levee road to get to. I was terrified that we would go off the road into the water, be trapped in the car and drown. So terrified that I would have nightmares about drowning the night before we would go to the park, waking up in tears. She dismissed it by saying that it would never happen. I learned as an adult, we could have gotten to the park without ever driving on the levy road. This fear of drowning by going off the road into the water got so bad, that I hated going over bridges, my mom continued to tell me that my fear was irrational and that bridges wouldn’t break, and cars wouldn’t go over the edges until the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake where the San Francisco Bay Bridge broke and reinforced my fears of falling off levy roads and bridges, being trapped in the water in the car and drowning. It took months of specific therapy to get over just that fear to where now I can drive on levy roads and over bridges with only minimal fear and no panic attacks.

By her dismissing my fears, she reinforced the fact that I was not important, that my feelings were not important.  

My dad was rarely home when we were with him, when he was home, he was busy working in the garage or watching television. We weren’t allowed in the garage; we could stand in the door to ask him a question and he made it obvious that we were interrupting his rebuilding of whatever car or motorcycle he was currently working on. If he was watching TV, we had to wait for a commercial to talk to him. Everything else was more important to him than we were.

Whatever I was, I wasn’t enough for my parents.

When I started Kindergarten, two things stood out to me that first week that showed me that the adults didn’t think I was smart enough. First, I went to school knowing how to spell my name; M-I-S-H-E-L-L. An adult helper thought she needed to inform me that I spelled my name wrong. I just remember feeling helpless and lost. I knew how to spell my name, but an adult was telling me I was wrong, so she must be right. Another adult told me that I was wrong when I said that my sister was starting high school. She absolutely was starting high school, she’s nine years older than me. I learned not to let teachers or even students know how smart I was. I needed to go along to get along. To be just smart enough, but not too smart.

Church was another place that I learned the lesson that who I was wasn’t good enough and that I had to keep who I really was hidden to be accepted. My very first Sunday wasn’t like that. I went to Children’s Church and there was a very large, extremely loud, bearded man in the front of the crowded room trying to get the kids to quiet down. I burst into tears because I was separated from my sister. He stopped what he was doing, came over to me, and helped me. He calmed me down and got me and my sister seats together. He paid attention to me, he didn’t dismiss me or belittle me, he helped me.

Then I got involved in the girls’ group at the church. In that group I learned that we are all sinners. One of the first Bible verses I had to memorize was Isaiah 53:6, “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” Another one was Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” It was verse after verse about what a sinner I was. What a horrible person I was. How I wasn’t good enough.

Luckily, that loud, Children’s Pastor had a discipleship group, and I was in it. In that group I learned about God’s love for me from verses like John 3:16; “For God so loved the world that he sent his only son, that whoever believes in him shall have eternal life.” And Ephesians 1:4, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.”

So, while I may not have been good enough for my family, or my teachers and others at school, or most of the people at church, I was good enough for Pastor Tim and God.

Unfortunately, I never believed I was good enough for any person. I always believed that I had to prove my worth to others, that they wouldn’t accept me for who I was, but then I wrote a book which I titled Worthless No More, and I realized that I am a valuable human being. I don’t need to keep any part of me hidden from others for them to accept me, if they don’t accept me, that’s their problem, not mine.

It hasn’t been easy, especially considering this last election because for some reason Christianity seems to be deeply tied into Republicanism. My Christian friends are where it’s the most difficult because I don’t like Trump. I’ve never liked Trump, since before he was President. I’ve had people question my Christianity because of it. Christians have called me a socialist, libtard because I believe that we should have accessible health care. Christians have called me a sheep because I believe we should wear masks to keep others healthy.

However, looking forward to 2021, I will no longer go along to get along. I will be me. I am valuable for who I am. I am Worthless No More.

Christmas Looks Different This Year

I have a friend who had a small gathering of family to celebrate a milestone birthday, just 9 people representing 5 households. Four days later one of them tested positive for COVID-19. The rest need to get tested now and are in quarantine.

I have a family member whose neighbor had a small gathering to celebrate something, 12 people, I’m not sure how many households were represented. Ten of them tested positive for COVID-19, a few ended up in the hospital, one sadly passed away due to complications from COVID.

This Christmas I’d really like to see my family, but I think I can handle a different Christmas this year if it will help, not just my family, but many families to not have a missing family member at the next birthday or holiday gathering.

Thinking about how different Christmas will be this year, and how different this whole year has been, I wrote this poem:

Christmas Looks Different This Year by Mishell Wolff 2020

January, whispers began in the news eclipsed by death of a basketball icon.

 February into March, murmurs rippled as a cruise ship stays at sea, later docked in the bay, passengers in quarantine.

Mid-March became a full-fevered, all-out effort to stop the spread of Coronavirus, “Fifteen days to slow the spread.”

April and May, stay home, wash your hands, social distance, distance learning

Restaurants, take-out only, salons stay closed, hospitals fill, nurses stretched, protests.

End of May 100,000 U.S. COVID deaths, George Floyd, “I can’t breathe!” protests.

June, July, August, protests fill the streets, open business, save the economy, defund police, Black Lives Matter, defend America, antifa, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Rayshard Brooks, too many to name, protests divide, tear gas, flash bangs, photo op in front of a historic church.

September, open schools, teachers are lazy, kids need socialization, they’ll fall behind.

October, small schools manage in person, others COVID spreads and revert back to distance learning, some stayed online, safety first.

November, please stay home, wear a mask, Zoom Thanksgiving, hospitals have no capacity for gathering-driven surge, staff is exhausted.

December, why didn’t we listen, ICUs expand, not enough, over 300,000 U.S. dead from COVID alone.

Many families, many reasons, no option to choose, an empty place this holiday season.

Christmas looks different this year; stay at home, wash your hands, physical distance, wear your mask.

Christmas looks different this year, help others, household only, so next year won’t have to be different.

Christmas looks different this year, the Spirit of Christmas doesn’t have a look, love others, do justly, love mercy, walk humbly.

Holiday Stress on Steroids

Alabama News Center 12/15/2017

Holiday stress is real. COVID stress is real. Add them together and we have holiday stress on steroids.

2020 has been a year like no other that I can remember in my lifetime, I have taught about other extremely tumultuous years, where our nation was divided and a worldwide pandemic was wreaking havoc on our schools, economy and national unity, but I’ve never lived it. I know that there are some people, lucky enough to still be alive who have lived through those times. I’ve read stories of people born during the 1918 Flu Pandemic surviving COVID. That’s incredible, but for the vast majority of us, this is a new and stressful experience.

People answering surveys about their mental health have indicated that they have experienced more thoughts of anxiety, depression and self-harm since March when the COVID became big news in the United States, and those statistics usually rise between Thanksgiving and New Year’s as holiday stress takes it’s toll. Add in this year the 288,017 American families and the 1,538,317 families around the world (according to Worldometers.com on December 6, 2020) who have lost a loved one this year to COVID, that’s not including the countless other families missing a loved one due to other causes of death such as heart disease, cancer, accidents, suicide and the various other reasons that people die each year. The holidays will be different for millions of people this year.

I’m not a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor or therapist, I’m just a regular person who suffers with anxiety and depression who gets stressed out A LOT!!! There are days that just getting out of bed and starting the day seems overwhelming and buying gifts and “Doing Christmas” is extremely daunting.

What keeps me getting up each day is my kids. Knowing that they also have anxiety and possibly depression, I want to show them that it’s possible to talk about those and survive and function and do all the things that people do, even if it’s exhausting, even if it takes all your energy.

Here are some of the things I do that help me to manage the stress. Who knows, some of them might help you too, you’ll never know unless you try.

  1. Journal-it helps me to get the thoughts that are racing around in my brain out.
  2. Exercise-sometimes it’s stretching, sometimes it’s taking the dog for a walk, sometimes it’s cardio videos I find on YouTube, I just need to move.
  3. Find someone to talk to- This can be a friend that you trust or a counselor. I talk to a few trusted friends and a counselor.
  4. Read a book-books can take you away for awhile to a different place.
  5. Make a plan- Plan how you can conquer what you need to do, it doesn’t need to all be done at once, a little bit each day works just as well.
  6. Deep breathing exercises- There are a ton of videos on YouTube and apps that help with this.
  7. Guided relaxation- Again, there are tons of videos and apps that help with this.
  8. Focus on taking care of you- if you aren’t healthy you can’t take care of anybody else.
  9. Start a gratitude list- try to find a few things each day to be thankful for. It helps to take the focus off of all the negative, this is hard to do, sometimes it takes me a long time just to come up with 5 positive things everyday, but I can list 5 negative things in 10 seconds. But this has been a tremendous help in lessening my stress levels in the past few month.

I don’t always remember to do these things, and they may not help you. The point is we all need to try to do what we can to not allow the stress to overwhelm us, especially if we also have mental health issues to deal with on top of the stress.

This holiday season be well, have fun, and be safe!

Thankful in the Turmoil?

https://speakzeasy.wordpress.com/tag/emotional-turmoil/

I haven’t written much recently, but with what I have written, you know that I am broken, depressed, anxious, and generally not in a good place.

To help combat that I have been seeing a licensed therapist to gain insights and strategies to help navigate this cruel, cold, divided world we live in that is being ravaged by a disease that’s wreaking havoc on people’s physical and mental health.

I also just finished teaching a unit on stress and how to better manage stress in our lives. Between the two, therapy and teaching, one strategy stood out, being thankful, or showing gratitude.

I’m not talking about toxic positivity, the idea that if you think positive thoughts all the bad stuff will go away and you’ll feel all better, depression will magically disappear and your thoughts will suddenly slow down.

I’m talking about taking a few minutes each day in the midst of the turmoil and chaos that is life at the moment (because it is a moment, no matter how long it lasts, it will pass) and seeing the good things that are still there. We may have to squint our eyes and look really hard, maybe even pull out a magnifying glass or a microscope, but they’re there; those positive things that give us hope in humanity, that make life worth living, that make it that much easier to get out of bed the next day.

When my therapist first suggested the idea to write down five things each day I thought it was a dumb idea. I didn’t see how it could help, I knew it wasn’t going to make everything magically get better, but I did it anyway. For about three weeks now, I have been faithfully making a daily list of five things I’m thankful for.

I was right, the world hasn’t changed, my life is still in turmoil, I still feel broken, but it has made it a little easier to get out of bed each day. It has given me a challenge to look forward to as I try to find a few good things everyday, and I love a challenge.

Here are some of the things I’m thankful for (in no particular order)

  1. My kids because they made me a mom and showed me what it is to love someone so much that you can’t imagine life without them and how bad it hurts to see them hurting, and how amazing feels to see them happy and successful and being who they want to be.
  2. My job because it allows me to be immersed in my favorite subject and to be with my friends on a daily basis (pre-COVID; now it’s more on a weekly basis) and my co-workers are some of my best friends.
  3. My friends because they are there when I need people to talk to, to have fun with, etc.
  4. Food, because I love food, especially homemade food that I get to feed to my family at dinnertime all together talking about our day.
  5. My family, the ones that are by blood and the married in ones, because we are there for each other no matter what and help each other out.
  6. My students because I know that distance learning isn’t easy for most of them, but they show up on their computers every day and listen to me, then they go off and do the assignments I give them. They tell me things about their lives and struggles with school in emails, they ask for help, they’re doing their absolute best in this weird new world we live in and it gives me hope for the future that we have such a resilient group of young people who will go out into the world in a few years.
  7. Jesus because without him in my life, I wouldn’t have any peace.

This idea of giving thanks in the turmoil is actually biblical. In 1 Thessalonians 5:18 it says to “give thanks in all circumstances: for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Sometimes I think people mistake this to mean that Christians have to be thankful for our circumstances, but that’s not what the verse is saying at all, it says IN all circumstances.

That means, looking for the little things that make the living in those circumstances just a little bit easier. Seeing the things that make getting out of bed worth it every day.

Some days I do have to pull out a magnifying glass to find what I’m thankful for, but I still find at least five things every day to be thankful for, it hasn’t changed the chaos in the world, the division in the nation or the turmoil I feel in my life, but it has made getting out of bed each day easier.

Mental Health and COVID-19

iStockphoto / Getty Images

I have been very open about my mental health struggles for years, hoping that in doing so, others who struggle would know that they are not alone and find the strength within to reach out for help. I started this blog to help end the stigma surrounding mental health issues. I talk to my classes about mental health. I teach them stress reduction strategies, we talk about suicide prevention, we learn about various mental illnesses, all in my attempt to make the world a friendlier place for those who struggle with a mental illness.

The worldwide COVID pandemic has finally caused people to talk about mental health. I hear all the time that schools need to open for kids’ mental health. Businesses need to open and get people back to work for their mental health. Depression and anxiety are on the rise because of the economic recession caused by the COVID shutdowns.

A common headline these days; this one from the Washington Post.

I don’t really think that COVID has caused the increase in depression and anxiety though.

Some of you might be getting upset with me right about now, but let me explain.

I’m not saying that more people aren’t reaching out to therapists for help because they are.

I’m not saying people aren’t self identifying that they are having difficulties dealing with the new normal that the pandemic has thrown at us with physical distancing, reduced workhours, being laid off or working from home, kids doing school from home and all the rest of the changes that have been forced upon us from this global health pandemic, because they are.

This is a terrible situation that we find ourselves in and many of us are not handling it well, especially those extroverts who want to be with other people and huggers who need to hug people. I feel for them, I really do.

But I don’t think that the COVID-19 pandemic caused the current rise in mental health issues that we are seeing.

What if the cause is the constant busy-ness we found ourselves in so that by the time we went to bed at night we were so exhausted we collapsed and immediately fell asleep and we never found ourselves with enough quiet time to contemplate the complexities of life?

What if the cause is that we never learned to deal with disappointment because somebody always swooped in to make sure that we got what we wanted when we wanted it?

What if the cause is that we don’t know how to communicate with our family members so this extended time together is a struggle; as we are daily around each other, always physically together but emotionally alone?

What if the cause is that our children are so used to others taking care of them, teaching them and making the boundaries for them and their parents only providing the fun that nobody in the situation (parents included) know how to change it up now?

What if the cause is that we are so ingrained to believe that our job or career is our identity and to lose our job means we have lost who who are?

What if we were never taught healthy, productive ways to handle stress when it comes our way (because this whole situation is definitely added stress)?

What if we were taught that the best way to deal with things is to “suck it up, Buttercup.” or “Stop being a sissy la-la.” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.”?

I think that the COVID pandemic that has hit the world is not the CAUSE of the mental health crisis we are now seeing, I believe its placing the spotlight on a mental health crisis that has been in the making for number of decades.

It’s made it so that it’s finally its okay to seek out help. It’s finally okay to talk about our mental health issues.

If you need help, as I have, during this stressful time in our lives here are some resources:

These two are from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and offer helpful tips for navigating stress in the time of COVID.

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/top-ten-covid-19-anxiety-reduction-strategies

https://adaa.org/finding-help/coronavirus-anxiety-helpful-resources

Here’s a place if you’d like online therapy

https://www.betterhelp.com/

Here’s a place for physical and mental health online:

PlushCare | Sleep with Me

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Home

1-800-273-8255

There are lots of ways to get help, you can also start by talking to your general care physician, looking up a therapist in your area on psychologytoday.com or just using Google.

If you need help, please get help. I’m not trying to downplay the fact that mental health issues are on the rise, I just don’t believe that COVID is the cause, I think it’s the spotlight on an issue that has been decades in the making.

Proyecto universitario de estudio y conservacion de tortugas marinas. Trabajo de campo en la Peninsula de Guanahacabibes, Pinar del Rio, 7 al 19 de agosto de 2007. Foto©Rene Perez Massola

Migraine Day: Sense Don’t Words Make The When

According to NortonHealthcare.com, approximately 39 million Americans suffer migraine attacks each year. I am one of those lucky people.

Some people don’t seem to understand just how debilitating a migraine can be and seem to think that a migraine is just a “bad headache.” A migraine is so much more than just a headache though.

A migraine wreaks havoc on many parts of your body. It can mess with your balance, your cognition, your vision, your gastrointestinal tract, your sense of smell, your sense of touch and taste and so much more.

For some people who suffer from migraines, they can be knocked down from a few hours to a few days. Many migraine sufferers have learned ways to cope with them in order to get on with life because they happen so frequently that if they don’t they may end up losing their job.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a migraine hit me during work, luckily I was working from home, but I still had students depending on me on the other side of the computer screen. When I started to feel better, later that evening I wrote a poem about it and want to share it here with all of you.

Wake up, systems check.

Nose is clear, I can breathe.

Stretch, just the usual cracks.

I can move, not too stiff.

Roll out of bed, start the day.

Morning routine, exercise.

Breakfast, brush the teeth.

Daily dose of migraine preventative.

That should do it, fingers crossed.

Need a good day, need to teach.

Pinprick of pain, behind left eye.

Could it be, a migraine coming?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Swallow the meds, for onset of pain.

Gulp some caffeine, help it to veins.

Walk ten steps, work from home.

COVID era, has some perks.

Set up Zoom, students show in tiny boxes.

Pain is gone, but words don’t work.

“Student’s hello, To Welcome Wednesday!”

Funny looks, smiling faces, in little squares.

One asks, “Are you okay?”

I laugh, “I’m fine, just tired today.”

Can’t let them know how bad it is.

It’ll get better, it always does.

Classes Zoom, Periods 1, 2, 3.

Lunch and prep pass by, I’m busy.

Time for class, Zoom again.

Ice pick stabbing my left eye.

Wave of nausea, washes over me.

Students, swim on the screen.

Tiny boxes, all blurry.

“Yesterday, work to do.

Here. Questions. Let me know.

Tomorrow. I’ll see.” Waves goodbye.

More meds, dizzy, walls in my way.

Couch close by, alarm set for the end of class.

Sleep release, gone too quick.

Back to work, at my desk.

One more class to suffer through.

School is over, for today.

Sun too bright, turn it off.

Dog too loud, make it stop.

Clothes hurt my skin, take them off.

Climb in bed, maybe tomorrow…

Us vs. Them is Tearing Me Apart

Last weekend I finally told my husband what I’ve been afraid to tell anybody, but since it’s Suicide Prevention Month, I decided to be honest.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m actually feeling much better now, that I put it out there to another human being and not just keeping it in my head and it was much worse back in July when I wrote the blog titled, “Broken Nation, Broken Me.” Back then it was so bad that I thought everyday what life would be like for those I left behind, now it’s maybe once every couple of weeks.

I don’t have a plan, I’m actually scared of the thought of going through with it, and I would never willingly leave my children without a mother, but somedays it is extremely difficult to get out of bed and do all the things required of living.

Now, with that out of the way, let me explain why.

I’m hypersensitive. Many people don’t know that about me because I learned at a young age that showing emotion caused me to be called weak. If I cried over something my dad would ask, “Do you want me to give you something to cry about?” usually reaching for the stick he used to beat us with. The “stick” was a piece of wooden baseboard about 3 feet long that he kept on top of the refrigerator. I learned rather quickly to not show when I was upset by something and just bury my emotions.

That was probably the beginning of my anxiety and depression issues, but that’s not what this post is about.

Every four years our nation goes through a presidential election cycle and of course people choose sides. I was raised by my mom in an uber-conservative Christian church, part of the “Moral Majority” led by the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Jim Baker. While my mom was a registered Democrat because of John F. Kennedy, she completely agreed with everything the Moral Majority preached and pretty much always voted Republican as far as I knew. She and my Grandma loved Ronald Reagan and everything he stood for and voted for George Bush when he ran because he would follow in Reagan’s footsteps.

I say all that to say that I was raised in a religion that attempted to teach me that if I was a true Christian I would always vote Republican because they were the party that supported life. The Democrats were the evil ones who supported killing babies. I was even taught that some Christians weren’t Christian enough if they were Democrats, because Democrats were so evil.

So every four years, I see our nation divided between those who vote Republican and those who vote Democrat, however this year seems to be the absolute worst!

If someone criticizes anything that the Republicans or Trump has said or done they are automatically labelled a “libtard,” a “sheep,” a “bleeding heart liberal” or many other not so nice names. If a person criticizes Biden or the Democrats they are “haters,” “Trumpkins, ” or “racists.”

In my lifetime, I have never seen our country so divided. I teach history, so I know that it has been this divided in the past, I mean we had a Civil War, talk about division! However, I wasn’t alive for that, so it didn’t affect my mental health.

The election isn’t the only thing people are divided on. People are divided on race issues, whether or not there is systemic racism in this country (there is).

Whether or not we should wear masks.

Whether or not hair and nail salons should be open as well as other businesses.

Whether or not COVID-19 is real.

Whether or not schools should open and if teachers are actually working when they do virtual school. (This one really hurts me mentally and emotionally because I am working my behind off to be there for my students and teach them and answer their questions any time of the night or day. I mean, I am getting emails from them at midnight and one o’clock in the morning sometimes.)

All this division is wreaking havoc on my mental health as well as on our nation.

On June 16, 1858, Abraham Lincoln quoted Matthew 12:25 in his “House Divided” speech when he said that, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Matthew 12:25 actually says that, “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.” New King James Version.

This amazing, great nation that we call the United States of America is not very united right now. It is extraordinarily divided right now.

This division is breaking me. I speak about something and I’m attacked by one side or the other. Just seeing the division is disheartening and making me not want to be a part of this life.

When I have spoken how disheartening this is for me, I hear amazing platitudes like, “God is in control.” or “Give it to God.” or, “It’s just the devil trying to get you down, you need to rebuke him.”

I’m tired of Christian platitudes.

I want to see Christians begin to live by the example that Jesus taught. To love your neighbor as yourself. When they asked who was our neighbor, Jesus told the story of the good Samaritan where a priest saw a person who needed help and he walked by on the other side of the road, then a Levite saw the man and he also walked by on the other side of the road. When the Samaritan saw the man who needed help (Samaritans were looked down on by Jews in that time) he helped the man, took him to an inn and paid to have the innkeeper look after him. (Paraphrased from Luke 10:25-37)

Instead of Us vs. Them how about we begin to look at it as we. We need to get along. We need to survive this life. We need to help each other. We need to understand and support one another. We don’t always have to agree with everyone in order to love them.

Love is a choice and it seems the United States of America have become the Divided States of Hate and my mental health is deteriorating in this nation as well as the mental health of many of my fellow Americans.

Instead of demonizing “them,” maybe we can begin to work to understand where they are coming from.

Instead of demonizing “them,” maybe we can listen to what they have to say instead of what “Us” says “they” want, believe, are going to do etc.

I find myself retreating further and further into my shell to get away from the division in this country, in this state and in my city. There are still days I don’t want this life.

Divided Nation; Broken Me

Our nation just celebrated Independence Day on July 4th. It was the 244th birthday of our country. Of course there have been times that our nation has been divided, once it got so bad it lead to the Civil War and 1968 is described in multiple places as a “tumultuous year,” but it hasn’t been this divided in my lifetime.

After 9/11, for the most part, Americans joined together against a common enemy; Al Queda. It was nice to feel the solidarity between most Americans as we stood together in unity.

Fast forward to 2020, the longest year of my life and we’re only in July. It started with wildfires in Australia and the threat of World War III and we’ve experienced COVID-19 protests to get our hair cut and go to a bar to have a drink as well as protests against police brutality. I just heard that most counties in California are having to close restaurants for in restaurant dining, bars, hair salons etc. yet we are debating how to open schools safely.

Everyone is an armchair epidemiologist and knows exactly how this new virus will work, even though actual scientists, virologists, epidemiologists and other doctors are constantly learning new things because they are seeing what the virus does to people in the hospitals around the world. Because of new knowledge, scientists, the CDC and WHO are giving new guidelines and recommendations that the armchair experts are calling BS on because its different than what was said earlier. That’s the thing with learning something new; sometimes it causes you to change your mind about what you thought was true before because you have more information now.

Then we are being led by a group of people at the national level who continue to make a physical illness political. Masks help prevent the spread of all kinds of germs, not just COVID-19. We have known this for years! However, now, if you wear a mask to protect others, you are actually wearing it to show your disapproval of Trump, or because you’re scared or a sheeple or a myriad of other negative connotations that people have come up with. If you are one of the people who for whatever reason choose not to wear a mask (which I honestly don’t understand except for some health reasons, that you should probably be staying home if you have) you are called selfish, a Trumper (or worse).

Masks are dividing us. Seriously people, this is our collective health.

That brings me to the next thing that divides us. So many people who say, well it has a 99% survival rate. That means there is 1% that won’t survive and that doesn’t take into consideration that many people who “recover” will face lifelong medical complications from “surviving” COVID-19.

I also hear so many people ask about those dying of COVID, “how old were they?” or “what were their underlying conditions?” As if being old or having a preexisting condition is an acceptable reason to die of COVID before your time. I’m sure as long as it is someone they don’t know who is dying those people don’t really care.

Then there’s the argument about opening schools. All the real experts say the best way to avoid spreading COVID is to avoid crowds, close contact and confined spaces, but then so many parents who either don’t believe COVID is as dangerous as scientists say it is or are tired of having their kids at home or are worried about them falling behind some arbitrary educational goals that non-educator government officials created want their kids back in school all day. Unfortunately, there is no safe way to send kids back to school in the school buildings.

Classrooms are going to be crowded, mine cannot accommodate 6 feet of spacing between people, we’ll be lucky to get 2-3 feet of space between each person. The classrooms will be crowded and they are confined spaces. Add to that the fact that most classrooms are poorly ventilated and schools can’t afford hand sanitizer and Kleenex during a regular flu season. Schools will not be able to keep students safe if they are back in person for learning.

Schools will also not be able to keep staff safe if we have to return to in person learning, there is just not enough money to purchase enough safety product.

All of this stress leads to broken me.

People say schools need to open so parents can work. Why is it the schools responsibility to provide free daycare to parents? Why isn’t it possible for workplaces to provide variable schedules so that parents can be home with their children to provide some guidance with the distance learning that teachers are providing? Many social problems have been exposed by this pandemic, a lack of internet accessibility was exposed at the beginning of distance learning and it was up to schools to work with local internet service providers to get hotspots for families that needed it. Why can’t internet service providers provide free or low cost internet to students whose families make below a certain income? Schools already continued to provide food for children under 18 during distance learning. Many restaurants have stepped up and provided meals for seniors who are low income. That’s awesome, why can’t something similar be done for kids, oh wait, because schools will do it.

Society needs to step up and step in and begin to help with some of society’s problems that have been exposed. They can’t just leave it all to the schools to take care of. If we send all students back to in person instruction in a few weeks, there will be an even larger increase in the number of people who are infected with COVID-19. Many of those who are infected will become terribly ill, some will die. I hope it isn’t you, or someone you love.

I’m tired of feeling broken by our divided nation. We need to unite and work together to fight against this disease and stop its spread as much as possible instead of fighting each other.

Wear a mask. Stay 6 feet away. Avoid crowded places. Avoid confined spaces. Show compassion and love for others in your actions and words. And lets work together to fix society’s problems.

Mental Health Heroes

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this May it might be more important than ever as more and more people are dealing with anxiety and depression as we face the unknown of this worldwide pandemic that is killing hundreds of thousands, forever changing the lives of hundreds of thousands of others who are recovering from the illness and may have a lifetime of kidney, heart, or lung damage and then there are millions who have lost loved ones, jobs or are being forced to work in jobs where they aren’t adequately protected from contracting the virus for various reasons.

To be honest, this hasn’t been an easy time for me, not the worst that I’ve struggled with, but definitely not easy.

Anxiety is always there, telling me that I’m not good enough. Telling me that I don’t have enough food, toilet paper, money. That I won’t be able to keep paying all the bills in the future. That we both might be working now, but that could change at any moment.

I try to stay focused on the present. I’m thankful that we are both still working, for now. I know that when the economy is bad, my husband can get laid off so we are planning ahead for that, saving money, which is a lot easier, when there is nowhere to go. Staying mostly focused on the present is a huge tool for me to keep my anxiety from spiraling out of control with all the “what if” scenarios.

I want to take today to thank some of my Mental Health Heroes.

My counselors: I’ve had quite a few, beginning in high school with my school counselor who listened to my personal problems as well as helped with my school schedule to the many private counselors I’ve had. Each one of them has helped me find strategies to cope with the anxiety and depression that I deal with in my life. Some strategies work better in certain situations and at certain times, but I’m thankful for everything they taught me.

Carrie Fisher: This one might seem strange, especially since I didn’t really know her, but Princess Leia, the General of the Rebel Alliance, was a strong female leader when most leaders in movies are men. She also was not quiet about her own struggles with mental health issues. The more that people speak up the more it helps to end the stigma surrounding mental health. I admire her for that and it bolstered my strength to talk about my own mental health issues.

Daisy Rain Martin: She doesn’t necessarily advocate for mental health issues, but she does advocate for victims and in doing so she helps their mental health. I know that my finding her was a God-send and reading her story gave me the courage to find my voice and tell my story so that others can find the courage to tell their story.

Holly Chamberlain: Who I haven’t met in person, but is a constant reminder that I matter.

My Siblings: We each have our own issues, but we have each other to talk to and help each other out. I don’t know if I would have survived my childhood without them, and I can’t imagine my adulthood without them in it. We may not see each other as much as we’d like since we live in different states, but we are close in heart and when we do talk, its as though no time has passed.

My Children: I know that I need to take care of my mental health so that I can be the absolute best mom I can be to them. Sometimes they can trigger my mental health issues, but that’s when my counselors come back in. I love my kids and will do whatever it takes to be as mentally healthy as I possibly can for them. I will also teach them that there is nothing bad about acknowledging that we need to take care of our mental health just as much as our physical health.

My Husband: When I met my husband, I was coming out of one of the darkest times of my life. He had no idea what he was getting into. He has been devoted and caring to me for the past 19 years and helps me when he can help me and encourages me to seek professional help (my counselors) when he knows that I need help beyond what he can provide. He is supportive in everything related to my mental health issues, even when he doesn’t completely understand it all. I know that without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

My Friends: I have a whole bunch of friends who may or may not know that they are a part of my mental health team. I learned a long time ago that I can’t do this alone. I need other people to be in my life to support me along the way. That’s where all of you come in. You’re there for me when I need someone to hang out with, or talk to, or just to spy on, on Facebook or Twitter. Thank you all for being a part of my life.

I just wanted to let you all know that I have Mental Health Heroes during this month when we work towards Mental Health Awareness. Let’s all work together to #endthestigma.