Category: relationships

Teach Kids to NOT Bully

Recently there was a viral video of a young boy who was upset after being bullied. It was heart wrenching to listen to this intelligent young man cry into the camera and wonder why people are bullies. Wonder why people can’t just appreciate others for who they are.

The website, stopbullying.com, states that 49% of students in grades 4-12 report being bullied in the month before the study was done. They go on to report that according to the study 30.8% reported bullying others during that same time period.

That’s half of our students, being bullied by one-third of our students while the other twenty percent watch in silent complicity or ignorance.

This week, I once again, listened to my son, relay a story of bullying that he endured by one of his classmates, a boy that has joined us in celebrating my son’s birthday in the past. A boy my son once considered a friend.

I have taught my kids to be sure of themselves and to exude confidence so that they don’t become the target of bullies.

Yet here we are, having the conversation again about how to get over being bullied. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to have this same conversation with them. It gets old.

I taught my kids to not be bullies, why can’t other parents do the same?

Most schools try to teach anti-bullying lessons, but it’s just one more item added to a never ending list of curriculum and life skills that teachers are expected to magically implant into every student’s brain and life.

Then they go home. We have no idea what the home lives of students are. Maybe they see parents, guardians or other caregivers with an imbalance of power in the relationship. Maybe, their caregivers bully them into compliance verbally or physically. Maybe the student feels powerless, worthless and hopeless at home and wants to feel powerful when they can.

When that is what is lived at home it takes a while lot more than a few minutes of lessons to change that behavior. It will take serious effort to change the negative impact that has on their life.

No matter what the effort is though, we as teachers, parents and society need to try to stop the prevalence of bullying. It extends beyond the school to the workplace, politics and society as a whole.

Bullying must be stopped and education in appropriate behavior is the key.

Let’s teach people how to not be bullies.

 

Relieve Holiday Stress

I don’t know about you, but for me the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be overwhelming. I love the season and everything it represents, but trying to do it all can be exhausting.

This year I have decided to take a few steps to relieve the holiday stress in my life and maybe they can help you too.

1. Don’t do it all.

There is no way for me to be able to fit in every holiday event and party that is going on around me. Sure they all sound exciting, but I’ll be drained making it to all of them. This year I’m choosing just a few events to participate in for my own mental health.

2. Indulge without guilt.

We all need to eat healthy, it makes our lives better in so many ways, especially in reducing anxiety. But at Christmas the goodies are so good. If you want to indulge, do so. Just remember to keep it in moderation. Eat just one or two treats instead of devouring everything on the platter, which is what I prefer to do. I will eat Christmas goodies without guilt this year.

3. Give useful, practical gifts.

I was thinking about what I want for Christmas and I don’t need or want more stuff. I have enough stuff, too much if I’m honest. Most people I know have too much stuff as well. This year, instead of scouring store aisles for the perfect thing to give somebody, I plan on giving experiences. Maybe gift cards for a date night or a craft store where they like to shop. I’ll be able to get all my shopping done at my kid’s school. One stop shopping while picking up a kid. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone.

4. Plan for down time.

I’m planning to keep a few days just for my little family of four where we can spend time together, watching Christmas movies or hanging out. Are they still too young for National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?

5. Remember the reason for the season.

Jesus is what it’s all about. Focus on Him​ and the rest is easy.

Ten Things I Want My 10 Year Old Son To Know

This past week my son turned 10 years old. I know the next few years will be hard as he learns to navigate junior high and high school, so I made him a list of ten things I want him to know in life and I’m going to share it with you.

1. Know who you are and what you value: you are an incredible young man with a good heart, who cares about others. You are talented with music and singing. You are smart and understand things more deeply than most people.

2. Be you: it’s not enough to just k ow who you are, you have to always be you. Don’t change who you are to make people happy, or to make them like you. If they don’t like you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time.

3. It’s okay to grow and change: while you shouldn’t change who you are for others, it is okay to change for you. If you find something about yourself that you don’t like, change it. If you learn something new and you want that to be a part of who you are, change; but only for you.

4. You’re anxiety isn’t you: you have anxiety. It’s a pretty of you, but it’s not everything about you. You can learn to live and thrive with anxiety.

5. No means no: no matter what, no matter when, where, who or why. If you say no don’t let anyone change your mind. If somebody tells you no, leave them alone, don’t try to change their mind.

6. Stand up for yourself and others: when bullies are doing their thing to you or somebody else, tell them to stop and walk away, taking the victim with you. Tell an adult, or don’t engage with the bully. There are lots of ways to stand up. Find what works for you and do it. Always.

7. Don’t be a bully: people worry about enough in their lives. Nobody needs or wants you to point out their flaws or shortcomings. Just don’t do it.

8. People are not for your entertainment: your friends and family or anyone, are not here for your enjoyment, entertainment or pleasure. If they are willing to do that for you, enjoy it. If not, entertain yourself.

9. Nobody owes you anything: the idea that you deserve something because you are you is called entitlement, and its a big pile of poop. Nobody owes you anything. You need to work and earn things for yourself. It feels good when you work hard, instead of getting everything given to you.

10. You are responsible for you: when you do something good, take credit for it. When you make a mistake, own it, fix it, learn from it and mo e on. Also, you are responsible for you and nobody else, don’t stress about others behavior. You can talk to them about it, but only worry and stress about you and change what you need to about you. For you.

I hope he remembers these things for the rest of his life and I hope they are a part of your life too.

Cognitive Distortions

It’s exhausting having anxiety. Even when my dark enemy is quiet, I know it’s there, just waiting to whisper something in my ear. Anxiety’s goal is to convince me that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone and that the worst possible thing I can think of is what will happen in any given situation.

I. Hate. Anxiety.

Some people have to work harder at some things than others, I know that. I just wish daily life wasn’t such a challenge for me.

There are plenty of things that come easily to me that others can’t do so easy.

I can keep a group of teenagers paying attention in history class for 50 minutes.

I can write pretty well (I think) and get an idea across to others.

I can plan itineraries for “nerd” vacations, as my children call them where we can mix up fun and education in a new, exciting place.

I can get into a car and drive for hours to see family.

The hard part is getting out of bed and getting started.

When the alarm goes off in the morning, most days, I’m immediately overwhelmed by the enormous amount of tasks to accomplish in one day.

I think that I’ll never get it all done. It’s impossible.

As the day wears on and Anxiety’s negative thoughts creep in, I constantly have to push them away, like holding back the ocean’s waves. It’s exhausting.

Through therapy I have learned strategies for dealing with the intrusive thoughts that Anxiety brings. I’m thankful for the skills I’ve learned to combat the negative thinking Anxiety always has for me.

Today I read an article about Cognitive Distortions. It was extremely enlightening, so I’m going to share it here:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

Also in that article is a link to another article that discusses ways to fix the  cognitive distortions in your life.

I know this tools have helped me, maybe they’ll help you too.

If you haven’t subscribed yet, please do.

And please share the article with a friend who might be helped.

Have a wonderful weekend!

The World’s Gone Mad

Things are crazy out there! Hurricane Harvey just left thousands of people devastated, having to clean up and rebuild their lives. Then there’s Hurricanes Irma, Jose and Katia lined up to do more of the same.

Then there have been earthquakes shaking things up all over the place, like Mexico and Idaho.

Don’t forget about the fires devouring the Western United States and Canada.

And all of that are just the natural disasters! I haven’t even brought up the crazy guy in North Korea who wants to blow stuff up, or ISIS who terrorizes people anywhere and anyway they can.

The world’s gone mad, I tell you, mad!!!!

However, there are some amazing people doing heroic things in all of this.

Fire fighters.

People pouring into flooded areas to help rescue people caught in the rising waters.

A makeshift hospital in Mexico, treating those injured in the earthquake.

These people are bringing hope to the lives of people whose lives have been destroyed.

These people are going out of their way to help others.

The world might be have gone mad, but there are plenty of people who haven’t.

Praying for those in the midst of the madness.

Thankful for those able to help, praying for them too.

 

Why?

Simon Sinek is a business speaker and I had the opportunity to see a clip of a Ted talk he did about the “Golden Circle” and starting with the question, “why?”

He was talking about business and that successful businesses know why they do what they do, not just what and how, but it can relate to being a teacher, a parent, a friend, writer, speaker, a significant other… the list can go on to include anything that we do.

I was asked why I teach. I always joke and say that it’s for all the time off, and that is a part of why I teach. I thought it would be a great way to have a career and a family. I would be able to be home when my kids were home and spend time with them. I always knew that I would never be able to be a stay-at-home mom so it was the best of both worlds in my opinion.

But the real answer to why I am a teacher is a little sadder than that. When I was in high school I was one of the “weird” kids. I didn’t fit in with any group. It was hard to go to school. Senior year I found a small group of other misfits and we fit together, making that year much easier than it could have been.

People made fun of me for being a Christian, for being too skinny, for looking so young, for being short, for having a boyfriend, for breaking up with a boyfriend, for getting good grades, for not getting good grades, for having a beat up old car, for having a house that looked like a barn… you get the idea. I was picked on.

As a teacher I want to find those marginalized students and let them know that someone at school cares about them. That someone knows that they are there and that they make a difference in my class. I want them to know that my world would not be the same without them in my classroom. I want them to feel accepted and that they belong somewhere. I want them to know that they matter.

That led me to think about writing. What I do is write. How I do it is with creativity, a computer/phone, on the internet and by making time. But why do I do it?

That answer is easy with my first book, Worthless No More. I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles and that there are people they can talk to who will understand and will help them.

But what about my next book, a fiction novel about a female serial killer? Why am I writing that one? Or the next fiction one that will be about a high school student being sexually assaulted at a party?Why do I want to write that one? And the sequel to Worthless No More?

As I thought about why I want to write these other books, I realized that it’s all the same reason that I wrote Worthless No More. I want people to realize that no matter what their struggle is, there is help and there is hope for them. That their lives don’t have to be defined by what has happened to them or the bad choices they’ve made. We always have a chance to start over.

 

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

 

According to the fictional character, House; everybody lies.

He’s probably right. I know I like every day. Did you hear that? I lie every, single day. I’ve probably even lied to you.

Want to know what my most common lie is?

“How are you?” People ask.

“I’m fine.” I reply with a smile.

The smile is the icing on the cake. If I’m smiling then surely I must truly be fine. If I wasn’t fine, I’d tell you, right?

Not necessarily.

People ask this question as a way of being polite, not because they have the desire or concern or time to know how you are. It’s more out of habit like, “wow, this weather sure is something, isn’t it?”

It’s a space filler. So instead of saying how I really feel, I tell people that I’m fine.

Besides, if you say how you really feel, some people don’t know how to react.

I once decided to tell people the truth for an entire day when they asked how I was. When I told them that my mind was racing and I couldn’t sleep at night because of the bad dreams they looked at me as though I had just told them I was planning a horrific crime. Like something was wrong with me.

Here’s the thing though, there is nothing more wrong with me than a person who has to wear glasses or take insulin or any other medication.

A part of my body doesn’t function properly. There are chemicals that get out of whack and cause me to not be okay…

And that’s okay.

I don’t need people to feel bad for me, or tell me how my life is better than so many others. I need people to let me know ow that it’s okay to not be okay.

Ask me what I do to feel better and if I’ve been practicing those things.

Ask me what you can do to help.

Would you tell a diabetic to just get over it? That it’s not okay to be diabetic?

No way!

Would you tell someone who needs contacts or glasses to just stop wearing them so they don’t become dependent on them?

Absolutely not!

Anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are exactly the same as other illnesses. It’s not our fault that we have them and that a part of our body, our brain, doesn’t seem to work as well as it should.

We should never be embarrassed of our mental health issues. Everyone needs to quit stigmatizing people who have mental health issues.

I want everyone to know that it’s okay to not be okay!

I’m Nercited

Yes, that title has a made up word, that I stole from one of my daughter’s friends. Sometimes writers can’t express themselves in real words though, so they make some up.

Nercited describes how I’m feeling today to a tee.

I am excited beyond belief that my dream of becoming an author has come true and I am doing an author event at a bookstore.

I have 3 hours to get people to like my book, buy it, sign a few copies and hope that their lives are changed by what they read.

My words are in print (and digital) form and people are reading them. Talk about a dream come true. I have wanted this since I was seven years old and I wrote my first story about a jack-o’-lantern.

I’m also nervous and anxious. I usually have no problem getting in front of people and speaking. I don’t know what’s going on with me.

I actually had a dream last night in which I had an anxiety attack. In the dream I was talking myself down and doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. When I woke up, my heart was racing, I was shaky and my breaths we’re shallow.

I’ve been on the verge of an anxiety attack all day.

Then, this afternoon I realized I didn’t have any swag to give away tomorrow or anything to decorate with. That almost sent me into the abyss. Again, I had to talk myself down, away from the edge.

After school I went to the store, got some things I can make into swag, (if you want to know what it is, you’ll have to come see me at Barnes and Noble in Stockton from 1-4.) I also picked up a few things to decorate a table.

I’m looking forward to the author event.

I’m blessed beyond measure that God has allowed me this opportunity to help others going through tough times.

I know that the nerves and anxiety is just the darkness trying to pull me into it’s grip. I won’t let it.

I will be a light in the world.

Baby Steps to Ease Anxiety at School

My family has been back to school for two weeks now and it has been the easiest transition to a new school year that we have had in years.

My daughter has some social anxiety and is an extreme introvert, however she has made a few new “friends” at school. You know, the kind she can work in class with, maybe eat lunch with, but that’s enough for her.

To be honest, that’s huge for her. I’m extremely proud of her for overcoming that anxiety.

My son has inherited my general anxiety about pretty much everything and my ability to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.

To prepare for fifth grade he and I talked some about what he expected class to be like and how it would most likely be. Luckily I’ve had experience with his teacher so I knew some of what​ he could expect. He’s lucky to have gotten an incredible teacher this year.

One of his issues is that if someone is doing something that is particularly annoying to him, he can’t focus on anything besides the annoying behavior. Pencil drumming, pen clicking, to tapping, whatever it is keeps him from being able to focus on school and learning.

He recognized that was happening  this week and asked me to help him work out a new seating arrangement with his teacher. I’m exceptionally proud of him recognizing a problem and vocalizing a solution.

Now my start to the school year. My anxiety was knocking when I had to report back for professional development the week before students started.

The first morning my heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I couldn’t catch my breath.

Each thought quickly led to another until my thoughts were a jumbled mess I couldn’t figure out.

There wasn’t any one thing I could pick out that I was anxious about, it was just an overwhelming feeling of sinking in shallow water knowing the bottom was close, but unable to get my feet down to save myself.

Luckily, a friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I felt like I was drowning. She asked me why and I couldn’t explain. So she helped me focus on the good stuff in my life. I smiled thinking about my kids, husband, house, you know all the good things.

Her question, her concern, saved me from drowning in another bout of anxiety. Her caring, reminded me that I am not my anxiety and I have so much more in my life than that darkness that so often threatens to pull me under.

So, we all took positive baby steps I dealing with our anxiety to make this new school year a little easier for ourselves. Now we just need to keep baby-stepping forward to keep anxiety at bay as the year progresses.

Together I think we can handle it. Baby steps.

It’s Working!

Let me start with a big THANK YOU!!! To the 18 amazing people who subscribed to my blog last week. You are awesome!

Next I want to let everyone know:

It’s working!

“What exactly is working?” You may ask. We’ll, let me tell you.

My book is working.

There were two main reasons I wrote my story: 1) to help myself deal with some issues from my past once and for all and 2) to let others know that they are valuable and lovable and worth finding people who love them for real not for what they can get from them.

It was successful, the book worked, both of my goals have been achieved.

First, it helped me tremendously to write my story. There were things that I brought up in the story that I had never even told my husband. I wasn’t trying to hide them from him, but I didn’t want to deal with those things. Writing about them helped he and I to have good conversations and strengthen our relationship. Writing those things also helped me seek a counselor to talk through some of the more severe emotions.

Secondly, I wanted people to know they are valuable and lovable. During summer school there was a student who I was lead to give one of my books to. She came to me a few days later and told me that she realized some things about herself that she wanted to change and would be working on those things.

Then when school started this week, she found me and let me know that she had passed the book to her mom and a cousin. Her mom realized that she had been going from guy to guy to fix herself and decided she needed to fix herself and not rely on anybody else to do that and has gotten herself into a program to heal. Then she shared a similar story about her cousin.

When I was afraid of publishing my story and having people read things about me that I’ve never shared I decided that if one person could be helped it would be worth it. I have had others tell me how the book  has helped them. Then this week I found out that two more people were helped because of my story.

I’m amazed.

I’m in awe.

I’m humbled.

I’m thankful.

My story is working.

I wish everyone who needed to could read it. So far about 180 copies have been sold or downloaded. That’s a lot of people reading my story.

Please share it. Either loan out your copy or point them to this website or Amazon to purchase Worthless No More.

Oh, yeah… If you haven’t subscribed yet, please do.

If you have subscribed please share with a friend and encourage them to subscribe too.

  1. Love to all of you!!!!