Category: teens

Fantastic New Song by Avril Lavigne

I have been having a fantastic, busy past few weeks, I haven’t even had much time to blog, so I’ll give a quick update before I introduce this amazing new song.

Last year, I started having a hard time with the anti-anxiety medication I was on. It made me not care about anything and all I ever wanted to do was sleep, I was always sooooooo tired. I like to get one medication out of my system before starting another one, so I asked my doctor is I could take the summer off any medication so that I could see how I do without it. It’s been years since I haven’t been on medication and while it initially works, each one I’ve been on has ultimately left me feeling exhausted and not caring about anything.

By the end of May, I was off medication and I tried natural ways to relieve my anxiety. I have a regular bedtime that I do my best to keep, whether its a weekday or not. I do my best to stay away from food that is made more out of chemicals than real food. I drink far less soda than I used to and way more water. I also walk two miles most mornings before I do anything else and practice yoga stretching and breathing exercises while listening to a local Christian radio station,which a friend of mine DJs on.

Overall, I feel so much better. I have energy that I didn’t have at the end of my run with medication. I’m feeling physically fit, I can walk two miles in 30 minutes. I’m losing weight from eating better foods. I don’t feel anxious all the time about every little thing.

Having said that, my anxiety is not completely gone. I still have the occasional panic attack, complete with rapid breathing, tears, and my whole body shaking. Sometimes I know what situation has caused it, sometimes I don’t. What I do know is that all I have to do to get through it, is focus on something relaxing, and take some deep breaths until the panic passes.

I still worry about random things too. For example, this past week I was in Washington DC, where I used public transportation to get around. It was hot there, but I wouldn’t wear shorts because I didn’t want to put my bare legs on the seats in the subway trains because somebody else may have put there bare legs there. It doesn’t even matter though because I’m going to take a shower, so who cares? I did. Little things like that still cause me excessive worry, but I can function. I just wore pants and went on with my life, the same exact germs that I didn’t want on my legs got on my pants instead. It all worked itself out in the end and I had a fantastic time taking new people to one of my favorite places.

Now, to this song by Avril Lavigne, called “Head Above Water”.  The words of the song tell my story and the story of so many others who suffer with anxiety. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. Thank you Avril Lavigne for putting these feelings into such an amazing song and video.

This song brings hope!

I have Survived!

For us, here in my little town, school started two weeks ago and I have survived. There is only seven weeks left until we get our two-week fall break; that’s only 34 more school days. Or six more weekends.

However you want to look at it, we’re in the midst of it and having fun, at least I think we’re having fun, I’m too tired to tell.

One of the symptoms of anxiety for me is trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I regularly take 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep, while my husband can close his eyes and is out immediately. Then, I often wake up during the night and will lay there for two or three hours counting sheep, saying the alphabet backwards, counting down from 100 by threes, connecting countries, or any myriad of other sleep tricks I’ve learned, only to fall asleep just before my alarm goes off.

Lucky (?) for me, this week I have been so tired from school that I haven’t had any trouble falling asleep, or staying that way until my alarm wakes me in the morning. I’m loving it. I love my sleep.

I have amazing, complicated teen-aged human beings to take care of during the day and teach them about psychology or history depending on what class they’re in. Its fun! I love what I do.

Seeing those light bulb moments are incredible.

Knowing that they have learned that it’s okay to make mistakes is beyond compare.

Watching them realize that they are valuable and love-able is priceless.

My goal this year, is not to merely survive each day in exhaustion, but to make sure that each student knows, every day, exactly how valuable they are, that they matter and my class would be worse off without them.

So far, I think I’m accomplishing that.  I hope I’m accomplishing that.

I have survived and so will they!

Hello Summer, My Old Friend

Once upon a time, I hated summer.

Itwas that time of year when school schedules ended and relaxation was supposed to begin. Endless days of outside play with neighborhood kids and evening treats of Popsicles.

That’s not how it was for me though. It was endless chores and taking care of my younger brother and sister. It was making dinner and mopping floors. It was whatever my parents told me it was going to be that day.

It wasn’t anything like I imagined in should be.

When I graduated, I had a job that kept me working summers and I enjoyed the predictability of that. Knowing I had a schedule, a place to be at specific times, brought a peace to me.

Then I became a teacher and once again I had summers free. As an adult, I thought it’d be great. Endless days spending time with my friends, and basically doing whatever I wanted.

Stay in pajamas all day? Why not? Who am I going to see?

Stay in bed all day? Sure. I’m not planning on getting dressed anyway. Nobody’s coming over, I didn’t get invited anywhere. Staying in bed it is.

Depression snuck in and I was so thankful when school started again so that I could get back to my predictable schedule and have a reason to get out of bed each day.

Then I had kids. When they were little, summer was active. We did things and went places. Together. They needed me and I needed a schedule, so I scheduled what we did each day. Not specific times or anything, but a routine. First breakfast, then playing, you get the idea.

Now they’re older. They don’t need me, or even want to hang out with me most of the time. I have to find a new routine for summer.

This year my routine will include the part of chauffer to my kids. They have theater and soccer and I will be driving them everyday of the week to one or the other, if not both.

I learned a few summers ago that when I don’t find a routine for this down time of the year for me, I quickly and easily get overtaken by anxiety or depression or both.

This summer I won’t let that happen.

Thissummer I will keep myself motivated and positive.

This summer I will not allow negative self-talk a place in my brain.

This summer will be relaxing.

This summer I will have endless days with my kids, even if it is driving them from place to place.

Hello  Summer My Old Friend, let’s do this right.

 

Have Fun, Be Safe and Make Good Choices

Every spring I write a letter to my graduating seniors, trying to be encouraging and give them a few last pieces of life advice before they leave high school behind. Here is a copy of this year’s letter:

Class of 2018, May 25, 2018

 

One chapter of your life is ending and another is beginning. Some would say your entering the “real world” now, or that now you have to go “adult” all the time. Those people would be only partially correct. You do have to go adult now, well some of you, others your parents might still be taking care of you, but you have always been in the real world. It’s just that your perception of the “real world” has changed as you’ve grown, learned and matured.

 

As you graduate,I want to explain to you some of what I mean with my weekend homework assignment and how it can be applied to your entire life.

 

Have Fun:

Enjoy every second of your life, you’ve only got one. Everyone has to work, pay bills, and face uncertain, scary times, but even then it’s possible to have fun, you just have to remember to. You can go to work or school everyday and hate it or enjoy it, the choice is yours.

 

Be Safe:

 

You only have one life, be safe and take care of it. Follow the rules that are meant for your safety and others, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • driving the speed limit
  • Wearing your seatbelt
  • Not driving under the influence of any substance.
  • Wearing a life jacket when boating
  • Using a parachute when jumping out of planes

You get the idea.

 

Make Good Choices:

 

This pertains to everything.

 

Make good choices with who you choose to be friends with. Surround yourself with people who want you to be the best possible version of yourself, not people who tear you down, make you unhappy or encourage you to be unsafe and make bad choices.

 

Make good choices with what you choose to put into your body. Healthy food leads to a healthy, happy life. Keep as many processed chemicals out of your system as you can. Learn how what you put into your body affects you and stay away from the things that have a negative affect on you.

 

Most importantly, make good choices about who you are and who you want to be. Figure out what it will take for you to become the best you possible and choose to work towards that end. You have tremendous potential to accomplish amazing things in your life from earning a high school diploma to creating a cure for cancer and everything in between. You are capable of anything you choose, so make good choices.

 

Have Fun, Be Safe, Make Good Choices,

I Am Bruised, I Am Who I’m Meant to Be

A few months ago I had the opportunity to see Keala Settle perform at the Today Show. Of course she sang the song from The Greatest Showman that made her famous, This Is Me.  It was incredible!

The first time I heard the song was in the movie and the lyrics moved me to tears. They are powerful, uplifting and straight-to-the-heart.

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek
This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
I cried for little Mishell who thought she wasn’t worth loving.
I cried for all the little boys and girls who are told they aren’t good enough.
I cried for all the people who stay hidden, afraid to show their bruises and scars.
I cried for the strength we have to find to be able to stand up and say, “This is Me!”
I cried, thankful for all the people who have been able to be brave.
I cried for everyone who still struggles to see they are glorious.

No Forced Affection

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and I want to end this month with a discussion about a conversation I heard a couple of DJs having on a nationwide radio station a few weeks ago.

The male DJ was explaining how upset he was and how hurt his feelings were because his teenager didn’t want to hug him anymore. The female DJ commented that it’s okay to give the kid a hug, even if they don’t want it.

Then they asked for listeners to call in with their opinions in the matter.

The consensus was that it’s okay to hug your child, even if they don’t want you to, because they are your child and you love them.

Let me tell you my opinion…

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!

If it’s okay for you to force affection on a child because you love them, when is it not okay for someone to do something they are uncomfortable with because they love them?

If you force a child to accept affection when they clearly don’t want to, you are teaching them that allowing people to “love” them is acceptable, even if they don’t want the “love”!

It also teaches children that “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

It teaches them that if you love somebody you are allowed to show them your affection, even if they say no!

There is so much wrong with forced affection, just because you”love” them!

It teaches children that what they want is not as important as the wants of the person who “loves” them.

It teaches children that their body is not their own. That it’s okay for people who”love” them to use their body to meet selfish needs.

Do I need to go on?

If we are going to get anywhere near reducing the number of sexual assaults, many of which don’t get reported, we need to teach our children that their body is theirs alone and they don’t have a right to somebody else’s body because they “love” it.

Let’s teach kids to respect one another’s boundaries, by not encroaching on theirs.

Let’s teach them that “no” means “no” and that they don’t have the right to someone’s body, ever, by allowing them to choose who, when and how, they will show affection.

Maybe, if we teach consent and boundaries, there won’t be a need for Sexual Assault Awareness month in the future.

Love After Abuse

In high school I was raped by my boyfriend. When I finally had the nerve to dump him, I easily trusted another boy with my heart. We broke up because of my mom and I began to date a young man from my church. He wanted to be a youth pastor.

He was a charmer. Everybody loved and trusted him. He was hired as a youth pastor and an administrator at a Christian school. He was the “perfect” man. He had charisma, he was a great speaker, he knew how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable in any situation. If someone was upset, he knew how to make them feel better. He was trusted with kids by church staff, school staff and parents.

I saw some of who he really was, beneath the facade, but only some. He ended up being much worse than even I was aware of. He was hiding a monster beneath his smooth exterior.

He started out building me up, telling me how pretty and smart I was and what a strong Christian I was. He used 1 Corinthians 13, the “Love Chapter” in the Bible, to explain his love for me. I had a broken heart and he seemed capable of putting it back together. I gave it to him. I trusted him.

We dated for a long time and over that time he began to change towards me. He was the same with everyone else, so I thought it was me that caused the change.

I thought it was my fault that he started to make comments about how I looked.

I thought it was my fault that he reprimanded me about the way I talked with my friends or at work.

I thought it was my fault that he didn’t like my friends or want me to hang out with them.

Instead of seeing his mistreatment of me as his problem, I believed it was mine. I believed that if I could just act right, talk right, work right, be right, he would go back to treating me right.

Then he asked me to marry him. If we were married, he’d have to treat me right, right?

So wrong. Things got worse. He didn’t support me getting a college degree. He told me he regretted marrying me. By the end of the marriage we were no more than roommates who never spoke to each other.

He got arrested for the double life he was leading. Everyone who knew him, including me, were absolutely shocked. I knew he was not who he pretended to be, but not just how evil and twisted he truly was.

I was devastated. I swore I’d never love again. How could I ever trust anyone again? How could I trust myself to pick a good guy? Two of the three loves of my young life abused me, that’s not a great track record for my choice in boys.

I learned a lot about love in the midst of my devastation. I learned that the two boys who abused me, one sexually and the other emotionally, didn’t love me. They loved the idea of me and what I provided for them. I was an object to them to be used as they desired.

I learned that I badly wanted  to be loved that I dealt with the abuse.

I learned that I needed to stop looking for somebody else to love me and love myself.

I learned that I was valuable and worth being loved by others.

I learned that I was lovable.

I learned that I didn’t need anybody else to love me in order to survive, I only needed to love myself.

In learning to live myself, I also learned to trust myself.

I learned to take care of myself.

I learned what I enjoyed and what I wanted in life.

I met a man. He looked just like Owen Wilson. He was nice. He was quiet.

It took him a month to ask me out in a date.

I was cautious. I talked to my trusted friends and counselor about him. About love after abuse.

I fell in love with him, but I moved to San Diego. I wasn’t going to let a man keep me from my plans, my dreams like I had in the past.

Four and half months after our first date he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I transferred to a college closer to home to be near him, but I kept pursuing my dream. He supported and encouraged my dream.

We’ve been married for seventeen years now and have two kids. It’s not always easy, marriage is hard work, but I love him and he loves me.

In 1999, I never thought I’d live again, but I’ve spent the past seventeen years loving and being loved right back.

Love after abuse is possible.

Breaking Up With Anxiety

In November, I felt as though my head was barely above water. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on in my head and found it difficult just to get through each day.

Since then, I have taken steps to try to break up with anxiety. Nothing too drastic at one time, but step by step.

I started by practicing yoga every morning and using relaxation techniques throughout the day when I began to feel overwhelmed.

Because I need sleep, my yoga routine only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning before I go to work. It has made a tremendous difference in how I feel starting my day. I’m relaxed and focused on how my body feels and aware of changes in my posture or muscles that indicate raised anxiety levels.

During the day, because of the increased awareness in my body, I know when to take deep breaths to calm down. I can also go through different muscle groups and make sure I’m relaxed. Then I can focus on the task at hand rather than trying to do it all at once and failing miserably.

Now that those tools have become second nature, I have spent the past two months slowly cutting out junk food. I started by cutting out fast food, then slowly limiting the amount of processed foods we eat at home. I will never be able to get rid of all processed foods, but I try to get minimally processed food at home.

I didn’t really notice a huge change with the foods until this past week when, for the sake of time, I stopped at a fast food place for chicken strips and fries (one of my favorite choices). I felt horrible after eating it. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I felt like I had no energy. I also didn’t sleep so good that night.

I have also started walking or cycling most days. I have to do this outside, no gym for me, I need the fresh air. My son and I have both noticed how much better we feel exercising everyday and how tired we are on the days we skip the walk or ride.

I like this new, healthier lifestyle. My family likes our new healthier lifestyle. We’re going to continue to find ways to be healthier and make healthier choices when we do wind up at a restaurant. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

I have learned ways to keep anxiety away and not allow it to dragging me down. Even if I slip and fall, I will get up and do what I know I can to break up with anxiety and stress, because I know I can.

I will not quit being healthy.

I will always work towards becoming even healthier, both physically and mentally.

Mr. Rogers said…

This week’s blog is late because I have had a difficult time comprehending the horror that happened this past week at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

I am a teacher and I got scared. My students were scared. My own children were scared. We all have questions about our own safety at a place where we spend a good portion of our daily lives.

How can we prevent this from happening at our school? At all schools?

What do we do if/when it happens to us?

Is this why schools have fences and gates now and feel like prisons?

Can teachers carry guns to protect the students?

Even though I’m the adult, I don’t know the answers to their questions, to my questions. It seems that we can’t prevent this from happening, because it keeps happening.

Four school shootings since the beginning of January. It leaves me questioning humanity.

How do people get to a point in their lives that killing people seems reasonable?

How do school shootings and the devastation they bring to a community and families turn into a fight about gun control instead of a discussion about helping people heal?

How are we so apathetic that we miss some of the warning signs?

How do we stop the carnage?

Then I see pictures like this…

and my faith in humanity is restored.

People loving people. Being there for each other with a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to stop mass killings. I kind of think that as long as there are broken people in this world, we won’t be able to.

That’s a hard thought to deal with, but as long as the helpers are there, I know that we can get through these tragedies.

Ten Things I Want My 10 Year Old Son To Know

This past week my son turned 10 years old. I know the next few years will be hard as he learns to navigate junior high and high school, so I made him a list of ten things I want him to know in life and I’m going to share it with you.

1. Know who you are and what you value: you are an incredible young man with a good heart, who cares about others. You are talented with music and singing. You are smart and understand things more deeply than most people.

2. Be you: it’s not enough to just k ow who you are, you have to always be you. Don’t change who you are to make people happy, or to make them like you. If they don’t like you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time.

3. It’s okay to grow and change: while you shouldn’t change who you are for others, it is okay to change for you. If you find something about yourself that you don’t like, change it. If you learn something new and you want that to be a part of who you are, change; but only for you.

4. You’re anxiety isn’t you: you have anxiety. It’s a pretty of you, but it’s not everything about you. You can learn to live and thrive with anxiety.

5. No means no: no matter what, no matter when, where, who or why. If you say no don’t let anyone change your mind. If somebody tells you no, leave them alone, don’t try to change their mind.

6. Stand up for yourself and others: when bullies are doing their thing to you or somebody else, tell them to stop and walk away, taking the victim with you. Tell an adult, or don’t engage with the bully. There are lots of ways to stand up. Find what works for you and do it. Always.

7. Don’t be a bully: people worry about enough in their lives. Nobody needs or wants you to point out their flaws or shortcomings. Just don’t do it.

8. People are not for your entertainment: your friends and family or anyone, are not here for your enjoyment, entertainment or pleasure. If they are willing to do that for you, enjoy it. If not, entertain yourself.

9. Nobody owes you anything: the idea that you deserve something because you are you is called entitlement, and its a big pile of poop. Nobody owes you anything. You need to work and earn things for yourself. It feels good when you work hard, instead of getting everything given to you.

10. You are responsible for you: when you do something good, take credit for it. When you make a mistake, own it, fix it, learn from it and mo e on. Also, you are responsible for you and nobody else, don’t stress about others behavior. You can talk to them about it, but only worry and stress about you and change what you need to about you. For you.

I hope he remembers these things for the rest of his life and I hope they are a part of your life too.