Category: Truth

Love After Abuse

In high school I was raped by my boyfriend. When I finally had the nerve to dump him, I easily trusted another boy with my heart. We broke up because of my mom and I began to date a young man from my church. He wanted to be a youth pastor.

He was a charmer. Everybody loved and trusted him. He was hired as a youth pastor and an administrator at a Christian school. He was the “perfect” man. He had charisma, he was a great speaker, he knew how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable in any situation. If someone was upset, he knew how to make them feel better. He was trusted with kids by church staff, school staff and parents.

I saw some of who he really was, beneath the facade, but only some. He ended up being much worse than even I was aware of. He was hiding a monster beneath his smooth exterior.

He started out building me up, telling me how pretty and smart I was and what a strong Christian I was. He used 1 Corinthians 13, the “Love Chapter” in the Bible, to explain his love for me. I had a broken heart and he seemed capable of putting it back together. I gave it to him. I trusted him.

We dated for a long time and over that time he began to change towards me. He was the same with everyone else, so I thought it was me that caused the change.

I thought it was my fault that he started to make comments about how I looked.

I thought it was my fault that he reprimanded me about the way I talked with my friends or at work.

I thought it was my fault that he didn’t like my friends or want me to hang out with them.

Instead of seeing his mistreatment of me as his problem, I believed it was mine. I believed that if I could just act right, talk right, work right, be right, he would go back to treating me right.

Then he asked me to marry him. If we were married, he’d have to treat me right, right?

So wrong. Things got worse. He didn’t support me getting a college degree. He told me he regretted marrying me. By the end of the marriage we were no more than roommates who never spoke to each other.

He got arrested for the double life he was leading. Everyone who knew him, including me, were absolutely shocked. I knew he was not who he pretended to be, but not just how evil and twisted he truly was.

I was devastated. I swore I’d never love again. How could I ever trust anyone again? How could I trust myself to pick a good guy? Two of the three loves of my young life abused me, that’s not a great track record for my choice in boys.

I learned a lot about love in the midst of my devastation. I learned that the two boys who abused me, one sexually and the other emotionally, didn’t love me. They loved the idea of me and what I provided for them. I was an object to them to be used as they desired.

I learned that I badly wanted  to be loved that I dealt with the abuse.

I learned that I needed to stop looking for somebody else to love me and love myself.

I learned that I was valuable and worth being loved by others.

I learned that I was lovable.

I learned that I didn’t need anybody else to love me in order to survive, I only needed to love myself.

In learning to live myself, I also learned to trust myself.

I learned to take care of myself.

I learned what I enjoyed and what I wanted in life.

I met a man. He looked just like Owen Wilson. He was nice. He was quiet.

It took him a month to ask me out in a date.

I was cautious. I talked to my trusted friends and counselor about him. About love after abuse.

I fell in love with him, but I moved to San Diego. I wasn’t going to let a man keep me from my plans, my dreams like I had in the past.

Four and half months after our first date he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I transferred to a college closer to home to be near him, but I kept pursuing my dream. He supported and encouraged my dream.

We’ve been married for seventeen years now and have two kids. It’s not always easy, marriage is hard work, but I love him and he loves me.

In 1999, I never thought I’d live again, but I’ve spent the past seventeen years loving and being loved right back.

Love after abuse is possible.

Faith After Abuse

I was one of those kids who always believed there was a God. As young as 6 years old, I remember drawing pictures of what I believed Heaven to look like. I had never read a Bible or been to church that I can remember, but somehow, God was real to me.

Eventually, my mom took me to church so I’d stop bugging her about it. We ended up in a church that I lived with an amazing children’s pastor and staff who were able to make unlovable, imperfect me feel loved.

Then he moved and we found a different church. I was sexually abused by a children’s leader in that church, so I went back to my old church.

In the 3 years or so that I had been gone, that church changed.

Instead of being a place where God loved me for me and Jesus died to forgive my sins along with everyone else’s, it was a place where you had to dress right and speak right in order for God to love you.

You had to stop and think “What Would Jesus Do?” Before making any decision. (We even had keychains, necklaces and shirts emblazoned with WWJD to remind us.

At that church, I was unclean and unworthy because I had sex before I was married. I needed to be extra good so Good could love me.

The pastors, leaders and “good” Christian’s were perfect and could pick out those that God could love and those He wouldn’t love.

Luckily, I was friends with a couple that truly knew God’s love. They knew that God loves us as we are, but loves us too much to leave us that way.

When the person I was married to at that time was arrested for a detestable crime against children, the pastor asked me not to return to church. It was the ultimate betrayal at a time when I needed support.

My friends supported me, my church did not.

During this period in my life I learned so much about God and His love for people.

Even though I was abused and betrayed by church leaders, I wouldn’t walk away from the Lord.

I maintained my faith through the dark times and eventually the fog lifted and the sun shined through.

Breaking Up With Anxiety

In November, I felt as though my head was barely above water. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on in my head and found it difficult just to get through each day.

Since then, I have taken steps to try to break up with anxiety. Nothing too drastic at one time, but step by step.

I started by practicing yoga every morning and using relaxation techniques throughout the day when I began to feel overwhelmed.

Because I need sleep, my yoga routine only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning before I go to work. It has made a tremendous difference in how I feel starting my day. I’m relaxed and focused on how my body feels and aware of changes in my posture or muscles that indicate raised anxiety levels.

During the day, because of the increased awareness in my body, I know when to take deep breaths to calm down. I can also go through different muscle groups and make sure I’m relaxed. Then I can focus on the task at hand rather than trying to do it all at once and failing miserably.

Now that those tools have become second nature, I have spent the past two months slowly cutting out junk food. I started by cutting out fast food, then slowly limiting the amount of processed foods we eat at home. I will never be able to get rid of all processed foods, but I try to get minimally processed food at home.

I didn’t really notice a huge change with the foods until this past week when, for the sake of time, I stopped at a fast food place for chicken strips and fries (one of my favorite choices). I felt horrible after eating it. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I felt like I had no energy. I also didn’t sleep so good that night.

I have also started walking or cycling most days. I have to do this outside, no gym for me, I need the fresh air. My son and I have both noticed how much better we feel exercising everyday and how tired we are on the days we skip the walk or ride.

I like this new, healthier lifestyle. My family likes our new healthier lifestyle. We’re going to continue to find ways to be healthier and make healthier choices when we do wind up at a restaurant. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

I have learned ways to keep anxiety away and not allow it to dragging me down. Even if I slip and fall, I will get up and do what I know I can to break up with anxiety and stress, because I know I can.

I will not quit being healthy.

I will always work towards becoming even healthier, both physically and mentally.

Mr. Rogers said…

This week’s blog is late because I have had a difficult time comprehending the horror that happened this past week at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

I am a teacher and I got scared. My students were scared. My own children were scared. We all have questions about our own safety at a place where we spend a good portion of our daily lives.

How can we prevent this from happening at our school? At all schools?

What do we do if/when it happens to us?

Is this why schools have fences and gates now and feel like prisons?

Can teachers carry guns to protect the students?

Even though I’m the adult, I don’t know the answers to their questions, to my questions. It seems that we can’t prevent this from happening, because it keeps happening.

Four school shootings since the beginning of January. It leaves me questioning humanity.

How do people get to a point in their lives that killing people seems reasonable?

How do school shootings and the devastation they bring to a community and families turn into a fight about gun control instead of a discussion about helping people heal?

How are we so apathetic that we miss some of the warning signs?

How do we stop the carnage?

Then I see pictures like this…

and my faith in humanity is restored.

People loving people. Being there for each other with a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to stop mass killings. I kind of think that as long as there are broken people in this world, we won’t be able to.

That’s a hard thought to deal with, but as long as the helpers are there, I know that we can get through these tragedies.

This Is Me

I just saw The Greatest Showman, and I must say it was incredible. It definitely lived up to the hype for me.

One song struck me and I’m going to share it with you here:

 

Enjoy your weekend!

Habits to Take; Habits to Leave

It’s the time of year when people begin to contemplate their New Year’s resolutions.

“I’m going to lose weight.”

“I’m going to get organized.”

“I’m going to work out more.”

“I’m going to eat healthier.”

The possibilities are endless, unfortunately, the resolution aren’t. Most resolutions are abandoned  by the end of January and the gym regulars can get their parking spaces back and have uninterrupted time in their favorite machine, while the rest of is beat ourselves up for once again not following through.

Instead of making a great big New Year’s resolutions, what if we just decide to take some of our good habits into the next year with us and leave some of the bad ones behind?

“My family eats dinner together most nights of the week.” Let’s take that habit into the new year.

“I eat fast food at least 4 nights a week.” Let’s leave that one behind.

“I go for a walk/do yoga/run/ go to the gym a few days a week.” Let’s hang on to that habit.

“I sit on the couch and binge watch TV/play video games/ surf YouTube etc.  in my free time.” Let’s leave that one behind.

Look back and evaluate your life, what are the good things you already do? Start there. Take those habits with you and improve on them.

“I walk 3 days a week.” Why not make it 4 days?

See things in your life that you don’t like? Sometimes it’s hard to leave a habit behind cold turkey, but it’s easy in baby steps.

“I eat fast food 4 days a week.” Can you cut that down to 2 days?

Change is good, but it’s also hard. It seems that resolutions are drastic overhauls of our lives and that’s hard to do.

Before you make a drastic resolution, evaluate what habits you have that you want to take with you into 2018 and which ones you want to leave behind. We all have good habits to take and bad habits to leave behind.

Some keys to successfully taking some habits and leaving others behind are:

1. Make a plan for your resolution and stick to it as best as you can, but don’t beat yourself up if you mess up from time to time; nobody’s perfect. Change the plan when necessary.

2. Make it measurable. “I will eat a real fruit and a real vegetable every day” is much easier to track than “I will eat healthy.”

3. Make it attainable/realistic. You will not be able to safely or healthily run a marathon in 3 weeks time. (Unless you have already been training for it.) Probably not even a half marathon in that time.

4. Know why you are doing what you’ve chosen to do; your why is your  motivation.

5. Have fun. Figure out how to make the habit fun and you’re more likely to stick with it.

These should be easy to do once you know what habits​ to take and which ones to leave.

Have fun, be safe and make good choices this New Year’s weekend!

 

 

I Survived!

I survived the holiday season!!!! The holiday season can be a stress and anxiety inducing time of year for many people. I am one of those.

Most years, at best, I end up in tears one or two times. At worst, I wind up with a full blown bout of anxiety complete with panic attacks, thinking everyone hates me and that I’m not good enough and nothing I do will ever be good enough.

This year though I had a plan. I shared it with you on December 2, in a post titled, “Relieve Holiday Stress.” To remind you what it was there were 5 things we can do to relieve Holiday Stress: don’t do it all, indulge without​ guilt, give useful, practical gifts, plan downtime and remember the reason for the season.

That plan has helped me this season. I’ll have to remember it again next year.

For me the most important reminder is the reason for the season, which is to celebrate Jesus’ birth and spend time with family.

It’s easy for me to remember that it’s all about Jesus. Being a Christian is a huge part of my life.

I realized though that when I stress and experience anxiety, I’m not there for my kids. And what do they really want? Do they want all the gifts that they’ll use for a few weeks at best, before they lie forgotten in the back of a closet or under the bed? Or do they want memories with family over meals shared together, shopping for others together, special holiday outings and good, old-fashioned quality family time?

I have enjoyed the quality time with them.

Christmas is in two days, and I survived!

Teach Kids to NOT Bully

Recently there was a viral video of a young boy who was upset after being bullied. It was heart wrenching to listen to this intelligent young man cry into the camera and wonder why people are bullies. Wonder why people can’t just appreciate others for who they are.

The website, stopbullying.com, states that 49% of students in grades 4-12 report being bullied in the month before the study was done. They go on to report that according to the study 30.8% reported bullying others during that same time period.

That’s half of our students, being bullied by one-third of our students while the other twenty percent watch in silent complicity or ignorance.

This week, I once again, listened to my son, relay a story of bullying that he endured by one of his classmates, a boy that has joined us in celebrating my son’s birthday in the past. A boy my son once considered a friend.

I have taught my kids to be sure of themselves and to exude confidence so that they don’t become the target of bullies.

Yet here we are, having the conversation again about how to get over being bullied. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to have this same conversation with them. It gets old.

I taught my kids to not be bullies, why can’t other parents do the same?

Most schools try to teach anti-bullying lessons, but it’s just one more item added to a never ending list of curriculum and life skills that teachers are expected to magically implant into every student’s brain and life.

Then they go home. We have no idea what the home lives of students are. Maybe they see parents, guardians or other caregivers with an imbalance of power in the relationship. Maybe, their caregivers bully them into compliance verbally or physically. Maybe the student feels powerless, worthless and hopeless at home and wants to feel powerful when they can.

When that is what is lived at home it takes a while lot more than a few minutes of lessons to change that behavior. It will take serious effort to change the negative impact that has on their life.

No matter what the effort is though, we as teachers, parents and society need to try to stop the prevalence of bullying. It extends beyond the school to the workplace, politics and society as a whole.

Bullying must be stopped and education in appropriate behavior is the key.

Let’s teach people how to not be bullies.

 

Relieve Holiday Stress

I don’t know about you, but for me the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be overwhelming. I love the season and everything it represents, but trying to do it all can be exhausting.

This year I have decided to take a few steps to relieve the holiday stress in my life and maybe they can help you too.

1. Don’t do it all.

There is no way for me to be able to fit in every holiday event and party that is going on around me. Sure they all sound exciting, but I’ll be drained making it to all of them. This year I’m choosing just a few events to participate in for my own mental health.

2. Indulge without guilt.

We all need to eat healthy, it makes our lives better in so many ways, especially in reducing anxiety. But at Christmas the goodies are so good. If you want to indulge, do so. Just remember to keep it in moderation. Eat just one or two treats instead of devouring everything on the platter, which is what I prefer to do. I will eat Christmas goodies without guilt this year.

3. Give useful, practical gifts.

I was thinking about what I want for Christmas and I don’t need or want more stuff. I have enough stuff, too much if I’m honest. Most people I know have too much stuff as well. This year, instead of scouring store aisles for the perfect thing to give somebody, I plan on giving experiences. Maybe gift cards for a date night or a craft store where they like to shop. I’ll be able to get all my shopping done at my kid’s school. One stop shopping while picking up a kid. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone.

4. Plan for down time.

I’m planning to keep a few days just for my little family of four where we can spend time together, watching Christmas movies or hanging out. Are they still too young for National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?

5. Remember the reason for the season.

Jesus is what it’s all about. Focus on Him​ and the rest is easy.

Barely Above the Surface

This is a picture I drew to try to make sense of what I’m currently feeling. With all the worries on my mind and actual responsibilities, I’m barely keeping my head above water, feeling like I might be pushed under the surface by the next demand on me.

I’m doubting my abilities in teaching, parenting, cooking, writing, speaking, wife-ing, driving, trusting… Pretty much absolutely everything in my life.

My mind is a swirling mess of questions that can’t be answered by my anxious mind. Moving too quickly from one to the next, never even waiting to be answered, just moving in to something else, more terrible until I’m tangled in the mess of questions struggling to keep my head above water.

I’m exhausted both mentally and physically.

My body hurts. I feel the anxiety in my head, neck, shoulders, stomach, hips, heart, and lungs. It takes all my energy to make it through the day without showing the world how my anxiety is affecting me.

Migraines and headaches seem to be my new, unwanted best friend. They are with me everyday in all I do. I try to sleep them off, but I’m even anxious in my dreams and wake up still in pain, still tired.

I want to get better. I don’t want to feel this anymore, but it’s so hard. I take my medicine everyday and it helps. I know I’ve had periods of anxiety without meds and they are far worse than what I’m experiencing now.

I know it will eventually pass, but I want it to end now.

I know I can exercise and eat right and talk to someone, but all of that takes energy that I just don’t have right now.

I do my best to take care of my kids and meet their needs and I know that I need to take care of me too, to meet my needs or soon I won’t be able to take care of them. I will be a lump in my bed, unable to function at all.

Knowing that I can do something to make this better and not having the energy to do it just adds to the anxiety. It’s a vicious circle.

I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I want to go to sleep and hide from the world.

At the same time, I don’t want to get pushed beneath the surface by life’s demands.

I want to get to the other side.