Tag: abuse

No Forced Affection

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and I want to end this month with a discussion about a conversation I heard a couple of DJs having on a nationwide radio station a few weeks ago.

The male DJ was explaining how upset he was and how hurt his feelings were because his teenager didn’t want to hug him anymore. The female DJ commented that it’s okay to give the kid a hug, even if they don’t want it.

Then they asked for listeners to call in with their opinions in the matter.

The consensus was that it’s okay to hug your child, even if they don’t want you to, because they are your child and you love them.

Let me tell you my opinion…

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!

If it’s okay for you to force affection on a child because you love them, when is it not okay for someone to do something they are uncomfortable with because they love them?

If you force a child to accept affection when they clearly don’t want to, you are teaching them that allowing people to “love” them is acceptable, even if they don’t want the “love”!

It also teaches children that “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

It teaches them that if you love somebody you are allowed to show them your affection, even if they say no!

There is so much wrong with forced affection, just because you”love” them!

It teaches children that what they want is not as important as the wants of the person who “loves” them.

It teaches children that their body is not their own. That it’s okay for people who”love” them to use their body to meet selfish needs.

Do I need to go on?

If we are going to get anywhere near reducing the number of sexual assaults, many of which don’t get reported, we need to teach our children that their body is theirs alone and they don’t have a right to somebody else’s body because they “love” it.

Let’s teach kids to respect one another’s boundaries, by not encroaching on theirs.

Let’s teach them that “no” means “no” and that they don’t have the right to someone’s body, ever, by allowing them to choose who, when and how, they will show affection.

Maybe, if we teach consent and boundaries, there won’t be a need for Sexual Assault Awareness month in the future.

Breaking Up With Anxiety

In November, I felt as though my head was barely above water. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on in my head and found it difficult just to get through each day.

Since then, I have taken steps to try to break up with anxiety. Nothing too drastic at one time, but step by step.

I started by practicing yoga every morning and using relaxation techniques throughout the day when I began to feel overwhelmed.

Because I need sleep, my yoga routine only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning before I go to work. It has made a tremendous difference in how I feel starting my day. I’m relaxed and focused on how my body feels and aware of changes in my posture or muscles that indicate raised anxiety levels.

During the day, because of the increased awareness in my body, I know when to take deep breaths to calm down. I can also go through different muscle groups and make sure I’m relaxed. Then I can focus on the task at hand rather than trying to do it all at once and failing miserably.

Now that those tools have become second nature, I have spent the past two months slowly cutting out junk food. I started by cutting out fast food, then slowly limiting the amount of processed foods we eat at home. I will never be able to get rid of all processed foods, but I try to get minimally processed food at home.

I didn’t really notice a huge change with the foods until this past week when, for the sake of time, I stopped at a fast food place for chicken strips and fries (one of my favorite choices). I felt horrible after eating it. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I felt like I had no energy. I also didn’t sleep so good that night.

I have also started walking or cycling most days. I have to do this outside, no gym for me, I need the fresh air. My son and I have both noticed how much better we feel exercising everyday and how tired we are on the days we skip the walk or ride.

I like this new, healthier lifestyle. My family likes our new healthier lifestyle. We’re going to continue to find ways to be healthier and make healthier choices when we do wind up at a restaurant. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

I have learned ways to keep anxiety away and not allow it to dragging me down. Even if I slip and fall, I will get up and do what I know I can to break up with anxiety and stress, because I know I can.

I will not quit being healthy.

I will always work towards becoming even healthier, both physically and mentally.

This Is Me

I just saw The Greatest Showman, and I must say it was incredible. It definitely lived up to the hype for me.

One song struck me and I’m going to share it with you here:

 

Enjoy your weekend!

Ten Things I Want My 10 Year Old Son To Know

This past week my son turned 10 years old. I know the next few years will be hard as he learns to navigate junior high and high school, so I made him a list of ten things I want him to know in life and I’m going to share it with you.

1. Know who you are and what you value: you are an incredible young man with a good heart, who cares about others. You are talented with music and singing. You are smart and understand things more deeply than most people.

2. Be you: it’s not enough to just k ow who you are, you have to always be you. Don’t change who you are to make people happy, or to make them like you. If they don’t like you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time.

3. It’s okay to grow and change: while you shouldn’t change who you are for others, it is okay to change for you. If you find something about yourself that you don’t like, change it. If you learn something new and you want that to be a part of who you are, change; but only for you.

4. You’re anxiety isn’t you: you have anxiety. It’s a pretty of you, but it’s not everything about you. You can learn to live and thrive with anxiety.

5. No means no: no matter what, no matter when, where, who or why. If you say no don’t let anyone change your mind. If somebody tells you no, leave them alone, don’t try to change their mind.

6. Stand up for yourself and others: when bullies are doing their thing to you or somebody else, tell them to stop and walk away, taking the victim with you. Tell an adult, or don’t engage with the bully. There are lots of ways to stand up. Find what works for you and do it. Always.

7. Don’t be a bully: people worry about enough in their lives. Nobody needs or wants you to point out their flaws or shortcomings. Just don’t do it.

8. People are not for your entertainment: your friends and family or anyone, are not here for your enjoyment, entertainment or pleasure. If they are willing to do that for you, enjoy it. If not, entertain yourself.

9. Nobody owes you anything: the idea that you deserve something because you are you is called entitlement, and its a big pile of poop. Nobody owes you anything. You need to work and earn things for yourself. It feels good when you work hard, instead of getting everything given to you.

10. You are responsible for you: when you do something good, take credit for it. When you make a mistake, own it, fix it, learn from it and mo e on. Also, you are responsible for you and nobody else, don’t stress about others behavior. You can talk to them about it, but only worry and stress about you and change what you need to about you. For you.

I hope he remembers these things for the rest of his life and I hope they are a part of your life too.

Thought Spirals

Within the last two weeks I have read two incredible books about OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). One was a memoir titled, Obsessed, by Allison Britz and the other book was a fiction novel, Turtles All the Way Down, by John Green.

Neither of these books were about anxiety, but they helped me understand my anxiety a little bit better. OCD, is an anxiety disorder, after all, so it makes sense that I could relate to the thought patterns expressed in both books.

One thing about mental illness is that there are no words to describe how you feel. For body illnesses we have a ton of words, nauseous, dizzy, headache, shooting pain, dull ache, shortness of breath and tingling sensation to name a few.

The best way to describe how we feel suffering from mental illnesses is to use metaphors. In the book, Obsessed, the author describes her thoughts as angry bees buzzing in her head. John Green calls them “thought spirals.” In another part of John Green’s book, he has the therapist say something like; thoughts are like cars driving by. We can just let them go or we can get in with them and see where they take us.

I try to explain how my anxious thoughts form a coil inside of me, pulling me in tighter and tighter until the thoughts can’t get any tighter and the coil is going to spring loose and hurt me and everybody around me when it does.

The coil in me is metal, so when it springs loose it is dangerous. It will hurt. I try to avoid hurting anyone else by isolating myself from others, then I’m the only one getting hurt by it.

I appreciate language. I appreciate that we have so many words, but sometimes our language falls short. We need words to describe how mental illness feels without requiring people to become experts in metaphors to be able to explain their pain.

Mental pain is real and we need words to express it.

Thank you John Green for giving us the phrase “Thought Spirals!”

Cognitive Distortions

It’s exhausting having anxiety. Even when my dark enemy is quiet, I know it’s there, just waiting to whisper something in my ear. Anxiety’s goal is to convince me that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone and that the worst possible thing I can think of is what will happen in any given situation.

I. Hate. Anxiety.

Some people have to work harder at some things than others, I know that. I just wish daily life wasn’t such a challenge for me.

There are plenty of things that come easily to me that others can’t do so easy.

I can keep a group of teenagers paying attention in history class for 50 minutes.

I can write pretty well (I think) and get an idea across to others.

I can plan itineraries for “nerd” vacations, as my children call them where we can mix up fun and education in a new, exciting place.

I can get into a car and drive for hours to see family.

The hard part is getting out of bed and getting started.

When the alarm goes off in the morning, most days, I’m immediately overwhelmed by the enormous amount of tasks to accomplish in one day.

I think that I’ll never get it all done. It’s impossible.

As the day wears on and Anxiety’s negative thoughts creep in, I constantly have to push them away, like holding back the ocean’s waves. It’s exhausting.

Through therapy I have learned strategies for dealing with the intrusive thoughts that Anxiety brings. I’m thankful for the skills I’ve learned to combat the negative thinking Anxiety always has for me.

Today I read an article about Cognitive Distortions. It was extremely enlightening, so I’m going to share it here:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

Also in that article is a link to another article that discusses ways to fix the  cognitive distortions in your life.

I know this tools have helped me, maybe they’ll help you too.

If you haven’t subscribed yet, please do.

And please share the article with a friend who might be helped.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Why?

Simon Sinek is a business speaker and I had the opportunity to see a clip of a Ted talk he did about the “Golden Circle” and starting with the question, “why?”

He was talking about business and that successful businesses know why they do what they do, not just what and how, but it can relate to being a teacher, a parent, a friend, writer, speaker, a significant other… the list can go on to include anything that we do.

I was asked why I teach. I always joke and say that it’s for all the time off, and that is a part of why I teach. I thought it would be a great way to have a career and a family. I would be able to be home when my kids were home and spend time with them. I always knew that I would never be able to be a stay-at-home mom so it was the best of both worlds in my opinion.

But the real answer to why I am a teacher is a little sadder than that. When I was in high school I was one of the “weird” kids. I didn’t fit in with any group. It was hard to go to school. Senior year I found a small group of other misfits and we fit together, making that year much easier than it could have been.

People made fun of me for being a Christian, for being too skinny, for looking so young, for being short, for having a boyfriend, for breaking up with a boyfriend, for getting good grades, for not getting good grades, for having a beat up old car, for having a house that looked like a barn… you get the idea. I was picked on.

As a teacher I want to find those marginalized students and let them know that someone at school cares about them. That someone knows that they are there and that they make a difference in my class. I want them to know that my world would not be the same without them in my classroom. I want them to feel accepted and that they belong somewhere. I want them to know that they matter.

That led me to think about writing. What I do is write. How I do it is with creativity, a computer/phone, on the internet and by making time. But why do I do it?

That answer is easy with my first book, Worthless No More. I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles and that there are people they can talk to who will understand and will help them.

But what about my next book, a fiction novel about a female serial killer? Why am I writing that one? Or the next fiction one that will be about a high school student being sexually assaulted at a party?Why do I want to write that one? And the sequel to Worthless No More?

As I thought about why I want to write these other books, I realized that it’s all the same reason that I wrote Worthless No More. I want people to realize that no matter what their struggle is, there is help and there is hope for them. That their lives don’t have to be defined by what has happened to them or the bad choices they’ve made. We always have a chance to start over.

 

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

 

According to the fictional character, House; everybody lies.

He’s probably right. I know I like every day. Did you hear that? I lie every, single day. I’ve probably even lied to you.

Want to know what my most common lie is?

“How are you?” People ask.

“I’m fine.” I reply with a smile.

The smile is the icing on the cake. If I’m smiling then surely I must truly be fine. If I wasn’t fine, I’d tell you, right?

Not necessarily.

People ask this question as a way of being polite, not because they have the desire or concern or time to know how you are. It’s more out of habit like, “wow, this weather sure is something, isn’t it?”

It’s a space filler. So instead of saying how I really feel, I tell people that I’m fine.

Besides, if you say how you really feel, some people don’t know how to react.

I once decided to tell people the truth for an entire day when they asked how I was. When I told them that my mind was racing and I couldn’t sleep at night because of the bad dreams they looked at me as though I had just told them I was planning a horrific crime. Like something was wrong with me.

Here’s the thing though, there is nothing more wrong with me than a person who has to wear glasses or take insulin or any other medication.

A part of my body doesn’t function properly. There are chemicals that get out of whack and cause me to not be okay…

And that’s okay.

I don’t need people to feel bad for me, or tell me how my life is better than so many others. I need people to let me know ow that it’s okay to not be okay.

Ask me what I do to feel better and if I’ve been practicing those things.

Ask me what you can do to help.

Would you tell a diabetic to just get over it? That it’s not okay to be diabetic?

No way!

Would you tell someone who needs contacts or glasses to just stop wearing them so they don’t become dependent on them?

Absolutely not!

Anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses are exactly the same as other illnesses. It’s not our fault that we have them and that a part of our body, our brain, doesn’t seem to work as well as it should.

We should never be embarrassed of our mental health issues. Everyone needs to quit stigmatizing people who have mental health issues.

I want everyone to know that it’s okay to not be okay!

I’m Nercited

Yes, that title has a made up word, that I stole from one of my daughter’s friends. Sometimes writers can’t express themselves in real words though, so they make some up.

Nercited describes how I’m feeling today to a tee.

I am excited beyond belief that my dream of becoming an author has come true and I am doing an author event at a bookstore.

I have 3 hours to get people to like my book, buy it, sign a few copies and hope that their lives are changed by what they read.

My words are in print (and digital) form and people are reading them. Talk about a dream come true. I have wanted this since I was seven years old and I wrote my first story about a jack-o’-lantern.

I’m also nervous and anxious. I usually have no problem getting in front of people and speaking. I don’t know what’s going on with me.

I actually had a dream last night in which I had an anxiety attack. In the dream I was talking myself down and doing deep breathing exercises to calm myself down. When I woke up, my heart was racing, I was shaky and my breaths we’re shallow.

I’ve been on the verge of an anxiety attack all day.

Then, this afternoon I realized I didn’t have any swag to give away tomorrow or anything to decorate with. That almost sent me into the abyss. Again, I had to talk myself down, away from the edge.

After school I went to the store, got some things I can make into swag, (if you want to know what it is, you’ll have to come see me at Barnes and Noble in Stockton from 1-4.) I also picked up a few things to decorate a table.

I’m looking forward to the author event.

I’m blessed beyond measure that God has allowed me this opportunity to help others going through tough times.

I know that the nerves and anxiety is just the darkness trying to pull me into it’s grip. I won’t let it.

I will be a light in the world.

Baby Steps to Ease Anxiety at School

My family has been back to school for two weeks now and it has been the easiest transition to a new school year that we have had in years.

My daughter has some social anxiety and is an extreme introvert, however she has made a few new “friends” at school. You know, the kind she can work in class with, maybe eat lunch with, but that’s enough for her.

To be honest, that’s huge for her. I’m extremely proud of her for overcoming that anxiety.

My son has inherited my general anxiety about pretty much everything and my ability to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound.

To prepare for fifth grade he and I talked some about what he expected class to be like and how it would most likely be. Luckily I’ve had experience with his teacher so I knew some of what​ he could expect. He’s lucky to have gotten an incredible teacher this year.

One of his issues is that if someone is doing something that is particularly annoying to him, he can’t focus on anything besides the annoying behavior. Pencil drumming, pen clicking, to tapping, whatever it is keeps him from being able to focus on school and learning.

He recognized that was happening  this week and asked me to help him work out a new seating arrangement with his teacher. I’m exceptionally proud of him recognizing a problem and vocalizing a solution.

Now my start to the school year. My anxiety was knocking when I had to report back for professional development the week before students started.

The first morning my heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I couldn’t catch my breath.

Each thought quickly led to another until my thoughts were a jumbled mess I couldn’t figure out.

There wasn’t any one thing I could pick out that I was anxious about, it was just an overwhelming feeling of sinking in shallow water knowing the bottom was close, but unable to get my feet down to save myself.

Luckily, a friend asked me how I was doing. I told her I felt like I was drowning. She asked me why and I couldn’t explain. So she helped me focus on the good stuff in my life. I smiled thinking about my kids, husband, house, you know all the good things.

Her question, her concern, saved me from drowning in another bout of anxiety. Her caring, reminded me that I am not my anxiety and I have so much more in my life than that darkness that so often threatens to pull me under.

So, we all took positive baby steps I dealing with our anxiety to make this new school year a little easier for ourselves. Now we just need to keep baby-stepping forward to keep anxiety at bay as the year progresses.

Together I think we can handle it. Baby steps.