Tag: Anxiety

Maybe I can’t…

I quit taking my anti-anxiety medication about 3 weeks ago, tapering off, just like my doctor recommended. I remember a post I wrote about how good I felt when that medicine kicked in and I could finally relax and breath and felt generally at ease. I still had periods of anxiety, but they lasted weeks instead of months, like they usually do when I’m not on medication.

I’ve started exercising, not a ton, I don’t want to overdo it, but it’s been gradually increasing. I’ve begun to eat more real food and less chemicals, which is definitely not an easy task.  In other words, I have been learning natural, healthy ways to fight my anxiety.

At the same time I have been doing all of that, my medicine was causing me to feel exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, not as bad as my last medicine eventually made me feel, but my bed was my best friend. I would usually not mind that, my favorite pastime has long been taking naps, but I like to feel in control of whether I nap or clean the house or hang out with my kids or a variety of things that I find joy in, but I was to the point where sleeping was all I wanted to do.

Now, how do I feel? The restless nights have already begun. My brain doesn’t want to turn off at night. Remember that thing I said to you ten years ago? I don’t remember, until three a.m., when my brain dwells on what I could have said instead and if  I hurt your feelings or if you’re mad at me for it. It royally sucks!

I told my dear husband a few days ago that I can handle the extra energy I have when I’m off the medicine. I can even handle most of the thought spirals. I can handle anxiety most of the time with positive self-talk, exercise and healthy eating.

What I can’t handle… Why maybe I can’t do this.. (without medication) is my family and my job.

When I’m on meds,

  • every little thing doesn’t have to be perfect and I don’t dwell on them if they aren’t
  • if someone doesn’t do what I ask, no big deal, natural consequences will catch up to them sooner or later.
  • if you tick me off, I’ll let you know and I’ll get over it.

When I’m not on my meds, its like everything is magnified.

  • There’s a piece of paper on the floor, what kind of disrespectful person leaves a mess for others to clean up?
  • I asked you to do your chores and you didn’t do it the first time I asked, do you even love or respect me?
  • You ticked me off, I will yell at you until you’re tired of hearing my voice and then I’ll yell some more.

I need to be able to do this without hurting my kids, husband or students. I need to be able to do this without hurting myself.

I don’t want to sleep all the time anymore!

I don’t know though, maybe I can’t do this without medication.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!

For a long time, I didn’t think I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t think I’d be good at it. I didn’t think I’d know how to do it. I didn’t think I’d like it. I was never around babies on purpose, I didn’t babysit, I thought babies were just messy and loud, little beings that I couldn’t handle.

Then, one day I realized that I wanted kids. I was shocked, so was my husband, but he wanted them too. A couple of years later, along came the first one to make me a mom, almost three years after that along came baby two.

Let me tell you something… I never knew that being a mom was the hardest, best job in the world until I became one.

Let me tell you something else… babies are messy and loud little beings, but I could handle it, sort of, most of the time.

I was shocked to realize that newborns rarely do anything other than sleep, eat, poop and cry. A lot.

When they were little, there was a lot of laundry, a lot of cleaning and oh so many tears, both theirs and mine. There was a lot of wishing and waiting  for them to  reach the next milestone; teething, walking, talking, pre-school, kindergarten…

At some point I realized that I needed to stop looking to what was coming up next and just enjoy the stage we were in. Now that they are 13 and 10, I know my time with them will become more and more limited as they transform into teens, then young adults and finally adults and maybe even parents of their own(no rush there).

Being a mom is challenging.

There’s the constant worry about whether or not they are developing correctly. The stress of attempting to raise this strong-willed human beings into becoming productive, successful members of society. Anxiety over the fine line between advocating for them and teaching them to advocate for themselves. The constant fear of danger whenever they are out of our sights. The challenges are never-ending and ever-changing as they grow.

Being a mom is oh-so-rewarding though.

Watching them take their first tentative steps and the smile that consumes their tiny faces when they realize they did it. The way your heart swells (and eyes fill) first time they tell you they love you. Seeing the pride in their eyes when they know they can do something on their own. Hearing the full on belly laugh when the siblings are getting along (for once) and enjoying their time together.

While being a mom isn’t always easy or fun, and there are times I don’t want to hear “MOM!” (especially when I’m in the bathroom), I’m so thankful for the little people who gave me that title and all the joys and struggles that they have brought to my life.

Because of them I am a better, stronger person than I knew I was capable of being.

I Am Bruised, I Am Who I’m Meant to Be

A few months ago I had the opportunity to see Keala Settle perform at the Today Show. Of course she sang the song from The Greatest Showman that made her famous, This Is Me.  It was incredible!

The first time I heard the song was in the movie and the lyrics moved me to tears. They are powerful, uplifting and straight-to-the-heart.

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek
This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
I cried for little Mishell who thought she wasn’t worth loving.
I cried for all the little boys and girls who are told they aren’t good enough.
I cried for all the people who stay hidden, afraid to show their bruises and scars.
I cried for the strength we have to find to be able to stand up and say, “This is Me!”
I cried, thankful for all the people who have been able to be brave.
I cried for everyone who still struggles to see they are glorious.

No Forced Affection

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and I want to end this month with a discussion about a conversation I heard a couple of DJs having on a nationwide radio station a few weeks ago.

The male DJ was explaining how upset he was and how hurt his feelings were because his teenager didn’t want to hug him anymore. The female DJ commented that it’s okay to give the kid a hug, even if they don’t want it.

Then they asked for listeners to call in with their opinions in the matter.

The consensus was that it’s okay to hug your child, even if they don’t want you to, because they are your child and you love them.

Let me tell you my opinion…

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!

If it’s okay for you to force affection on a child because you love them, when is it not okay for someone to do something they are uncomfortable with because they love them?

If you force a child to accept affection when they clearly don’t want to, you are teaching them that allowing people to “love” them is acceptable, even if they don’t want the “love”!

It also teaches children that “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

It teaches them that if you love somebody you are allowed to show them your affection, even if they say no!

There is so much wrong with forced affection, just because you”love” them!

It teaches children that what they want is not as important as the wants of the person who “loves” them.

It teaches children that their body is not their own. That it’s okay for people who”love” them to use their body to meet selfish needs.

Do I need to go on?

If we are going to get anywhere near reducing the number of sexual assaults, many of which don’t get reported, we need to teach our children that their body is theirs alone and they don’t have a right to somebody else’s body because they “love” it.

Let’s teach kids to respect one another’s boundaries, by not encroaching on theirs.

Let’s teach them that “no” means “no” and that they don’t have the right to someone’s body, ever, by allowing them to choose who, when and how, they will show affection.

Maybe, if we teach consent and boundaries, there won’t be a need for Sexual Assault Awareness month in the future.

Breaking Up With Anxiety

In November, I felt as though my head was barely above water. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on in my head and found it difficult just to get through each day.

Since then, I have taken steps to try to break up with anxiety. Nothing too drastic at one time, but step by step.

I started by practicing yoga every morning and using relaxation techniques throughout the day when I began to feel overwhelmed.

Because I need sleep, my yoga routine only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning before I go to work. It has made a tremendous difference in how I feel starting my day. I’m relaxed and focused on how my body feels and aware of changes in my posture or muscles that indicate raised anxiety levels.

During the day, because of the increased awareness in my body, I know when to take deep breaths to calm down. I can also go through different muscle groups and make sure I’m relaxed. Then I can focus on the task at hand rather than trying to do it all at once and failing miserably.

Now that those tools have become second nature, I have spent the past two months slowly cutting out junk food. I started by cutting out fast food, then slowly limiting the amount of processed foods we eat at home. I will never be able to get rid of all processed foods, but I try to get minimally processed food at home.

I didn’t really notice a huge change with the foods until this past week when, for the sake of time, I stopped at a fast food place for chicken strips and fries (one of my favorite choices). I felt horrible after eating it. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I felt like I had no energy. I also didn’t sleep so good that night.

I have also started walking or cycling most days. I have to do this outside, no gym for me, I need the fresh air. My son and I have both noticed how much better we feel exercising everyday and how tired we are on the days we skip the walk or ride.

I like this new, healthier lifestyle. My family likes our new healthier lifestyle. We’re going to continue to find ways to be healthier and make healthier choices when we do wind up at a restaurant. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

I have learned ways to keep anxiety away and not allow it to dragging me down. Even if I slip and fall, I will get up and do what I know I can to break up with anxiety and stress, because I know I can.

I will not quit being healthy.

I will always work towards becoming even healthier, both physically and mentally.

Mr. Rogers said…

This week’s blog is late because I have had a difficult time comprehending the horror that happened this past week at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

I am a teacher and I got scared. My students were scared. My own children were scared. We all have questions about our own safety at a place where we spend a good portion of our daily lives.

How can we prevent this from happening at our school? At all schools?

What do we do if/when it happens to us?

Is this why schools have fences and gates now and feel like prisons?

Can teachers carry guns to protect the students?

Even though I’m the adult, I don’t know the answers to their questions, to my questions. It seems that we can’t prevent this from happening, because it keeps happening.

Four school shootings since the beginning of January. It leaves me questioning humanity.

How do people get to a point in their lives that killing people seems reasonable?

How do school shootings and the devastation they bring to a community and families turn into a fight about gun control instead of a discussion about helping people heal?

How are we so apathetic that we miss some of the warning signs?

How do we stop the carnage?

Then I see pictures like this…

and my faith in humanity is restored.

People loving people. Being there for each other with a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to stop mass killings. I kind of think that as long as there are broken people in this world, we won’t be able to.

That’s a hard thought to deal with, but as long as the helpers are there, I know that we can get through these tragedies.

This Is Me

I just saw The Greatest Showman, and I must say it was incredible. It definitely lived up to the hype for me.

One song struck me and I’m going to share it with you here:

 

Enjoy your weekend!

I Survived!

I survived the holiday season!!!! The holiday season can be a stress and anxiety inducing time of year for many people. I am one of those.

Most years, at best, I end up in tears one or two times. At worst, I wind up with a full blown bout of anxiety complete with panic attacks, thinking everyone hates me and that I’m not good enough and nothing I do will ever be good enough.

This year though I had a plan. I shared it with you on December 2, in a post titled, “Relieve Holiday Stress.” To remind you what it was there were 5 things we can do to relieve Holiday Stress: don’t do it all, indulge without​ guilt, give useful, practical gifts, plan downtime and remember the reason for the season.

That plan has helped me this season. I’ll have to remember it again next year.

For me the most important reminder is the reason for the season, which is to celebrate Jesus’ birth and spend time with family.

It’s easy for me to remember that it’s all about Jesus. Being a Christian is a huge part of my life.

I realized though that when I stress and experience anxiety, I’m not there for my kids. And what do they really want? Do they want all the gifts that they’ll use for a few weeks at best, before they lie forgotten in the back of a closet or under the bed? Or do they want memories with family over meals shared together, shopping for others together, special holiday outings and good, old-fashioned quality family time?

I have enjoyed the quality time with them.

Christmas is in two days, and I survived!

Relieve Holiday Stress

I don’t know about you, but for me the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be overwhelming. I love the season and everything it represents, but trying to do it all can be exhausting.

This year I have decided to take a few steps to relieve the holiday stress in my life and maybe they can help you too.

1. Don’t do it all.

There is no way for me to be able to fit in every holiday event and party that is going on around me. Sure they all sound exciting, but I’ll be drained making it to all of them. This year I’m choosing just a few events to participate in for my own mental health.

2. Indulge without guilt.

We all need to eat healthy, it makes our lives better in so many ways, especially in reducing anxiety. But at Christmas the goodies are so good. If you want to indulge, do so. Just remember to keep it in moderation. Eat just one or two treats instead of devouring everything on the platter, which is what I prefer to do. I will eat Christmas goodies without guilt this year.

3. Give useful, practical gifts.

I was thinking about what I want for Christmas and I don’t need or want more stuff. I have enough stuff, too much if I’m honest. Most people I know have too much stuff as well. This year, instead of scouring store aisles for the perfect thing to give somebody, I plan on giving experiences. Maybe gift cards for a date night or a craft store where they like to shop. I’ll be able to get all my shopping done at my kid’s school. One stop shopping while picking up a kid. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone.

4. Plan for down time.

I’m planning to keep a few days just for my little family of four where we can spend time together, watching Christmas movies or hanging out. Are they still too young for National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?

5. Remember the reason for the season.

Jesus is what it’s all about. Focus on Him​ and the rest is easy.

Barely Above the Surface

This is a picture I drew to try to make sense of what I’m currently feeling. With all the worries on my mind and actual responsibilities, I’m barely keeping my head above water, feeling like I might be pushed under the surface by the next demand on me.

I’m doubting my abilities in teaching, parenting, cooking, writing, speaking, wife-ing, driving, trusting… Pretty much absolutely everything in my life.

My mind is a swirling mess of questions that can’t be answered by my anxious mind. Moving too quickly from one to the next, never even waiting to be answered, just moving in to something else, more terrible until I’m tangled in the mess of questions struggling to keep my head above water.

I’m exhausted both mentally and physically.

My body hurts. I feel the anxiety in my head, neck, shoulders, stomach, hips, heart, and lungs. It takes all my energy to make it through the day without showing the world how my anxiety is affecting me.

Migraines and headaches seem to be my new, unwanted best friend. They are with me everyday in all I do. I try to sleep them off, but I’m even anxious in my dreams and wake up still in pain, still tired.

I want to get better. I don’t want to feel this anymore, but it’s so hard. I take my medicine everyday and it helps. I know I’ve had periods of anxiety without meds and they are far worse than what I’m experiencing now.

I know it will eventually pass, but I want it to end now.

I know I can exercise and eat right and talk to someone, but all of that takes energy that I just don’t have right now.

I do my best to take care of my kids and meet their needs and I know that I need to take care of me too, to meet my needs or soon I won’t be able to take care of them. I will be a lump in my bed, unable to function at all.

Knowing that I can do something to make this better and not having the energy to do it just adds to the anxiety. It’s a vicious circle.

I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I want to go to sleep and hide from the world.

At the same time, I don’t want to get pushed beneath the surface by life’s demands.

I want to get to the other side.