love – Page 6 – Mishell Wolff

What I Learned From My Mom

It’s Mother’s Day and it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. Coincidence?

Maybe, but there are many, many people who struggle with their mental health partly because of the relationship they had with a parent.

There are many others who struggle with Mother’s Day in particular because of the loss of their mom or their inability to become a mom.

What I’m trying to say is, for some people, Mother’s Day takes a toll on their mental health, including me.

So this year I decided to look at all the positive things I learned from my Mom and put them in a list ( I love lists.)

I learned to be resilient. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary resilient means having the ability to recover easily from misfortune or change or capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation. Those who know my story know I’ve been through a lot of junk and I’m not permanently deformed because of it, I’ve been able to recover and have a wonderful family and life that I love.
I learned how to be a mom. Growing up, I kind of made a mental list of what not to do as a parent. Once I became a mom, I used that list to be the best mom I could be. I’m sure I make mistakes, but I’m doing the best job I can at being a mom, based on what I learned from my mom of what not to do as a mom.
I learned to show and tell my kids I love them. I may not be the most hugging mom in the world, but there are plenty of other ways for me to show and tell my kids I love them. For one thing, I do actually tell them that I love them. Then I’m there for them. I listen to them, encourage them, talk them through things, support them…so many ways to show live besides just giving hugs and pats on the back.
I learned to take care of myself. I may not have been an excellent chef, but I learned to cook, clean, hold down a job, and take care of the bills all well enough that I’ve been able to be in my own since I was eighteen. Being able to take care of myself has expanded to being able to take care of my family as well.
I learned to ask for help. I watched my mom struggle on her own for years, too proud to ever ask for help. That taught me to never be too proud to ask for help. I’ve sought help for my mental health through both medication and counseling. I’ve asked for help in my marriage and as a parent. I’ve had mentors at work. I go to a doctor and dentist regularly.This life is too hard to do alone, I need all the help I can get.

This holiday can be hard, but today I chose to look at just a few of then positive things my mom taught me. It helped.

The best part of the day though, that I know not everyone has, are my two kids who made me a Mom and allow me to celebrate Mother’s Day from a different perspective.

Lin Manuel Miranda Sent My Son A Letter!

One of my son’s current obsessions is the musical Hamilton by Lin Manuel Miranda. A few months ago, he sat down and rewrote some of the songs to be PG, since some of them aren’t appropriate for kids. When he was done, he looked up Lin Manuel Miranda’s P.O box, printed out the PG version of the songs, wrote a note about how amazing a junior version of the musical would be and mailed it all to him.

Today my son received a reply. It was specific to the note my son sent to him and was signed with Lin Manuel Miranda’s autograph. I’m pretty sure that nothing he receives for Christmas this year is going to be as good as getting a letter from Lin Manuel Miranda.

In all reality though, the best Christmas gift any of us received was given about 2000 years ago, on that very first Christmas. I’m not usually preachy on this blog, but Jesus is important to me, and I’m going to take time to share about him today.

There have been many religions throughout history. Each has their own version of creation, God and how to get to heaven.

In Christianity, God created the Heavens and the earth and everything on the earth. Then he sent his son Jesus to be born of a virgin. Jesus lived for 33 years before being crucified as a sacrifice for our sins, so that we could be justified before God, in order to be able to enter Heaven. All we have to do is believe that.

That’s it.

Believe that Jesus was born to die as a sacrifice for our sins.

The best Christmas gift ever.

Something we could never earn.

Something we don’t deserve.

Something we are freely given because of God’s love for each one of us.

So while my son is basking in the excitement of having a letter from Lin Manuel Miranda this Christmas, I will remind him of the best Christmas gift ever…

Jesus.

Fantastic New Song by Avril Lavigne

I have been having a fantastic, busy past few weeks, I haven’t even had much time to blog, so I’ll give a quick update before I introduce this amazing new song.

Last year, I started having a hard time with the anti-anxiety medication I was on. It made me not care about anything and all I ever wanted to do was sleep, I was always sooooooo tired. I like to get one medication out of my system before starting another one, so I asked my doctor is I could take the summer off any medication so that I could see how I do without it. It’s been years since I haven’t been on medication and while it initially works, each one I’ve been on has ultimately left me feeling exhausted and not caring about anything.

By the end of May, I was off medication and I tried natural ways to relieve my anxiety. I have a regular bedtime that I do my best to keep, whether its a weekday or not. I do my best to stay away from food that is made more out of chemicals than real food. I drink far less soda than I used to and way more water. I also walk two miles most mornings before I do anything else and practice yoga stretching and breathing exercises while listening to a local Christian radio station,which a friend of mine DJs on.

Overall, I feel so much better. I have energy that I didn’t have at the end of my run with medication. I’m feeling physically fit, I can walk two miles in 30 minutes. I’m losing weight from eating better foods. I don’t feel anxious all the time about every little thing.

Having said that, my anxiety is not completely gone. I still have the occasional panic attack, complete with rapid breathing, tears, and my whole body shaking. Sometimes I know what situation has caused it, sometimes I don’t. What I do know is that all I have to do to get through it, is focus on something relaxing, and take some deep breaths until the panic passes.

I still worry about random things too. For example, this past week I was in Washington DC, where I used public transportation to get around. It was hot there, but I wouldn’t wear shorts because I didn’t want to put my bare legs on the seats in the subway trains because somebody else may have put there bare legs there. It doesn’t even matter though because I’m going to take a shower, so who cares? I did. Little things like that still cause me excessive worry, but I can function. I just wore pants and went on with my life, the same exact germs that I didn’t want on my legs got on my pants instead. It all worked itself out in the end and I had a fantastic time taking new people to one of my favorite places.

Now, to this song by Avril Lavigne, called “Head Above Water”. The words of the song tell my story and the story of so many others who suffer with anxiety. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. Thank you Avril Lavigne for putting these feelings into such an amazing song and video.

This song brings hope!

Another Trip Around the Sun

So last week I completed another trip around the sun and celebrated my 44th birthday with family, old friends, and new friends. Be I also spent time reflecting on the past year of my life. It was a good, but challenging year.

Some of the good:

my book was published and is now carried at several major book retailers in digital and print format.
My kids and I all survived a year of school.
We made new friends.
I got to take my family to New York and DC.
I’ve learned more about my anxiety, how my brain works with it and more of my triggers to help alleviate severe bouts of anxiety.
I lost fewer days to migraine than previous years.
My son was finally, officially, diagnosed with Autism.

Some of the challenges:

My anti anxiety medicine caused more side effects than help.
My son was diagnosed with Autism, so now starts the challenge of getting him an education appropriate for him.
I was one of several defendants in a civil lawsuit, which brought many horrible life experiences back to the front of my mind and emotions.
I still lost some days to migraine.

Overall, this past year was great. I will look back on it with fond memories, every year brings it’s new struggles and the positive memories of the past year, as well as my family and friends will give me the strength I need as I begin a new trip around the sun.

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Where Did The Time Go?

Children look forward to summer break all year long. I’ll let you in on a secret, most teachers look forward to it as well.

If you read my post “Hello Summer, My Old Friend” , ” you know that summer has been a difficult time for my anxiety in the past, I haven’t been looking forward to summer break for the past few years because of it.

This year I had a plan. I was going to get through the summer without a major episode of anxiety or depression and with one week left, I have been successful.

I’ve kept myself busy with my family and running my kids to all their activities. I’ve practiced relaxation breathing techniques as well as yoga stretches to start each day. I’ve focused on God and his role in my life. I’ve limited my time on social media and seen a purse and worked on my next book.

Most of the time I try to stay out of my own mind. I’ve learned that if I spend too much time in my mind, it begins to lie to me and drag me into it’s depths. Social media adds to those lies my mind tells me, so I limit it.

I’m thankful that I’ve made it through this summer. I go back to school in a week and my kids go back in two weeks. I know the school year will bring it’s own challenges as we adjust to another diagnosis for my son, autism, as well as homework demands, learning new routines and meeting new people.

This summer seems to have flown by, where has the time gone? I’m thankful I survived it and know that will give me strength to survive the school year.

Hello Summer, My Old Friend

Once upon a time, I hated summer.

Itwas that time of year when school schedules ended and relaxation was supposed to begin. Endless days of outside play with neighborhood kids and evening treats of Popsicles.

That’s not how it was for me though. It was endless chores and taking care of my younger brother and sister. It was making dinner and mopping floors. It was whatever my parents told me it was going to be that day.

It wasn’t anything like I imagined in should be.

When I graduated, I had a job that kept me working summers and I enjoyed the predictability of that. Knowing I had a schedule, a place to be at specific times, brought a peace to me.

Then I became a teacher and once again I had summers free. As an adult, I thought it’d be great. Endless days spending time with my friends, and basically doing whatever I wanted.

Stay in pajamas all day? Why not? Who am I going to see?

Stay in bed all day? Sure. I’m not planning on getting dressed anyway. Nobody’s coming over, I didn’t get invited anywhere. Staying in bed it is.

Depression snuck in and I was so thankful when school started again so that I could get back to my predictable schedule and have a reason to get out of bed each day.

Then I had kids. When they were little, summer was active. We did things and went places. Together. They needed me and I needed a schedule, so I scheduled what we did each day. Not specific times or anything, but a routine. First breakfast, then playing, you get the idea.

Now they’re older. They don’t need me, or even want to hang out with me most of the time. I have to find a new routine for summer.

This year my routine will include the part of chauffer to my kids. They have theater and soccer and I will be driving them everyday of the week to one or the other, if not both.

I learned a few summers ago that when I don’t find a routine for this down time of the year for me, I quickly and easily get overtaken by anxiety or depression or both.

This summer I won’t let that happen.

Thissummer I will keep myself motivated and positive.

This summer I will not allow negative self-talk a place in my brain.

This summer will be relaxing.

This summer I will have endless days with my kids, even if it is driving them from place to place.

Hello Summer My Old Friend, let’s do this right.

Have Fun, Be Safe and Make Good Choices

Every spring I write a letter to my graduating seniors, trying to be encouraging and give them a few last pieces of life advice before they leave high school behind. Here is a copy of this year’s letter:

Class of 2018, May 25, 2018

One chapter of your life is ending and another is beginning. Some would say your entering the “real world” now, or that now you have to go “adult” all the time. Those people would be only partially correct. You do have to go adult now, well some of you, others your parents might still be taking care of you, but you have always been in the real world. It’s just that your perception of the “real world” has changed as you’ve grown, learned and matured.

As you graduate,I want to explain to you some of what I mean with my weekend homework assignment and how it can be applied to your entire life.

Have Fun:

Enjoy every second of your life, you’ve only got one. Everyone has to work, pay bills, and face uncertain, scary times, but even then it’s possible to have fun, you just have to remember to. You can go to work or school everyday and hate it or enjoy it, the choice is yours.

Be Safe:

You only have one life, be safe and take care of it. Follow the rules that are meant for your safety and others, including, but not limited to, the following:

driving the speed limit
Wearing your seatbelt
Not driving under the influence of any substance.
Wearing a life jacket when boating
Using a parachute when jumping out of planes

You get the idea.

Make Good Choices:

This pertains to everything.

Make good choices with who you choose to be friends with. Surround yourself with people who want you to be the best possible version of yourself, not people who tear you down, make you unhappy or encourage you to be unsafe and make bad choices.

Make good choices with what you choose to put into your body. Healthy food leads to a healthy, happy life. Keep as many processed chemicals out of your system as you can. Learn how what you put into your body affects you and stay away from the things that have a negative affect on you.

Most importantly, make good choices about who you are and who you want to be. Figure out what it will take for you to become the best you possible and choose to work towards that end. You have tremendous potential to accomplish amazing things in your life from earning a high school diploma to creating a cure for cancer and everything in between. You are capable of anything you choose, so make good choices.

Have Fun, Be Safe, Make Good Choices,

Maybe I can’t…

I quit taking my anti-anxiety medication about 3 weeks ago, tapering off, just like my doctor recommended. I remember a post I wrote about how good I felt when that medicine kicked in and I could finally relax and breath and felt generally at ease. I still had periods of anxiety, but they lasted weeks instead of months, like they usually do when I’m not on medication.

I’ve started exercising, not a ton, I don’t want to overdo it, but it’s been gradually increasing. I’ve begun to eat more real food and less chemicals, which is definitely not an easy task. In other words, I have been learning natural, healthy ways to fight my anxiety.

At the same time I have been doing all of that, my medicine was causing me to feel exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, not as bad as my last medicine eventually made me feel, but my bed was my best friend. I would usually not mind that, my favorite pastime has long been taking naps, but I like to feel in control of whether I nap or clean the house or hang out with my kids or a variety of things that I find joy in, but I was to the point where sleeping was all I wanted to do.

Now, how do I feel? The restless nights have already begun. My brain doesn’t want to turn off at night. Remember that thing I said to you ten years ago? I don’t remember, until three a.m., when my brain dwells on what I could have said instead and if I hurt your feelings or if you’re mad at me for it. It royally sucks!

I told my dear husband a few days ago that I can handle the extra energy I have when I’m off the medicine. I can even handle most of the thought spirals. I can handle anxiety most of the time with positive self-talk, exercise and healthy eating.

What I can’t handle… Why maybe I can’t do this.. (without medication) is my family and my job.

When I’m on meds,

every little thing doesn’t have to be perfect and I don’t dwell on them if they aren’t
if someone doesn’t do what I ask, no big deal, natural consequences will catch up to them sooner or later.
if you tick me off, I’ll let you know and I’ll get over it.

When I’m not on my meds, its like everything is magnified.

There’s a piece of paper on the floor, what kind of disrespectful person leaves a mess for others to clean up?
I asked you to do your chores and you didn’t do it the first time I asked, do you even love or respect me?
You ticked me off, I will yell at you until you’re tired of hearing my voice and then I’ll yell some more.

I need to be able to do this without hurting my kids, husband or students. I need to be able to do this without hurting myself.

I don’t want to sleep all the time anymore!

I don’t know though, maybe I can’t do this without medication.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!

For a long time, I didn’t think I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t think I’d be good at it. I didn’t think I’d know how to do it. I didn’t think I’d like it. I was never around babies on purpose, I didn’t babysit, I thought babies were just messy and loud, little beings that I couldn’t handle.

Then, one day I realized that I wanted kids. I was shocked, so was my husband, but he wanted them too. A couple of years later, along came the first one to make me a mom, almost three years after that along came baby two.

Let me tell you something… I never knew that being a mom was the hardest, best job in the world until I became one.

Let me tell you something else… babies are messy and loud little beings, but I could handle it, sort of, most of the time.

I was shocked to realize that newborns rarely do anything other than sleep, eat, poop and cry. A lot.

When they were little, there was a lot of laundry, a lot of cleaning and oh so many tears, both theirs and mine. There was a lot of wishing and waiting for them to reach the next milestone; teething, walking, talking, pre-school, kindergarten…

At some point I realized that I needed to stop looking to what was coming up next and just enjoy the stage we were in. Now that they are 13 and 10, I know my time with them will become more and more limited as they transform into teens, then young adults and finally adults and maybe even parents of their own(no rush there).

Being a mom is challenging.

There’s the constant worry about whether or not they are developing correctly. The stress of attempting to raise this strong-willed human beings into becoming productive, successful members of society. Anxiety over the fine line between advocating for them and teaching them to advocate for themselves. The constant fear of danger whenever they are out of our sights. The challenges are never-ending and ever-changing as they grow.

Being a mom is oh-so-rewarding though.

Watching them take their first tentative steps and the smile that consumes their tiny faces when they realize they did it. The way your heart swells (and eyes fill) first time they tell you they love you. Seeing the pride in their eyes when they know they can do something on their own. Hearing the full on belly laugh when the siblings are getting along (for once) and enjoying their time together.

While being a mom isn’t always easy or fun, and there are times I don’t want to hear “MOM!” (especially when I’m in the bathroom), I’m so thankful for the little people who gave me that title and all the joys and struggles that they have brought to my life.

Because of them I am a better, stronger person than I knew I was capable of being.

I Am Bruised, I Am Who I’m Meant to Be

A few months ago I had the opportunity to see Keala Settle perform at the Today Show. Of course she sang the song from The Greatest Showman that made her famous, This Is Me. It was incredible!

The first time I heard the song was in the movie and the lyrics moved me to tears. They are powerful, uplifting and straight-to-the-heart.

This Is Me

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me

and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me

Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

I cried for little Mishell who thought she wasn’t worth loving.

I cried for all the little boys and girls who are told they aren’t good enough.

I cried for all the people who stay hidden, afraid to show their bruises and scars.

I cried for the strength we have to find to be able to stand up and say, “This is Me!”

I cried, thankful for all the people who have been able to be brave.

I cried for everyone who still struggles to see they are glorious.

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