Tag: mental health

How to Stop Sexual Harassment

This week a former student of mine shared her #metoo story on Facebook and Yelp. Thank you Erica Yamane for your bravery in calling out those people and sharing what happened to you in your workplace.

This incident happened to her in a popular industry in our area, wine. I actually had the amazing privilege (read “agonizing horror”) of serving on a jury for a workplace sexual harrassment case for two months a few years ago.

Sexual harrassment happens in the workplace, schools, streets, shopping centers everywhere, and it never should, so I have come up with a few steps to finally stop sexual harrassment.

1. If you are married or have a significant other, only talk about sex with that person.

2. If you are “flirting” with someone and they don’t reciprocate, stop flirting with them.

3. If you say something to someone and they ask you to stop, then stop.

4. If you touch someone and they ask you not to, then stop.

5. If you talk to or touch someone and they look uncomfortable or disgusted with you, then stop.

6. If it’s not something you would talk about with your grandma, then don’t talk about it.

While not comprehensive, I hope this list gives a little help in putting a stop to sexual harrassment.

Everything I’ve read on how to stop sexual harrassment is speaking to the victim. In reality the only way to end sexual harrassment, is for the perpetrators to stop what they’re doing.

One last step…

7. If you need to stop and ask yourself, “can this be seen as sexual harrassment?” keep it to yourself.

Hopelessness and Suicide

If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

Two people from popular culture died this week by suicide; Kate Spade on Tuesday and Anthony Bourdain on Friday.

On Thursday, the CDC published a report about the rise on death by suicide in the United States between 1999 and 2016. According to their statistics, suicide rates have increased by 25% nationwide and up to 57% in a few individual states, such as North Dakota. According to the data the CDC receives from various reporting agencies, 2016 saw nearly 45,000 deaths by suicide in the United States, which is approximately 105 people in America who die by suicide everyday.

We heard about two of them this week, but in reality, according to those numbers, this week in America, 735 people have died by suicide. That’s the equivalent of an entire junior high school in my town being wiped out.

That’s a lot of hurting people whose lives mattered, who left even more hurting people behind.

According to the lead scientist of the CDC study, 54% of those people who died by suicide did not have a diagnosed mental illness.

That doesn’t mean they weren’t suffering from a mental illness, it just means that for some reason, they had not sought medical help for what was troubling them.

But that statistic caused me to ask a question, “If they aren’t doing it because of mental health issues, why are people choosing to die?”

I scoured the internet searching for answers. Some of the other reasons for suicide, besides clinical depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and other  mental health issues(diagnosed or not) include:

Situational depression: this happens when a person has experienced a negative impact in their life, but hasn’t quit met the criteria of clinical depression.

Divorce, separation or end of a relationship.

Loss of a child: either through death or custody battle.

 Death of a loved one.

Financial loss.

Terminal illness diagnosis.

Fear of being “found out”: a person may have made decisions that will cause somebody close to them to lose respect for them or refuse to love them anymore.

Fear of consequences for their actions.

The list can go on and on. Some of the sites I got information from are:  http://www.suicide.org/suicide-causes.html,  https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/statistics/index.html,  https://www.healthline.com/health/suicide-and-suicidal-behavior, and  https://psychcentral.com/encyclopedia/suicidal-ideation/

The common thread in all the reasons for suicide is feelings of hopelessness.

Feeling as though the situation you are in will never get better.

Experiencing pain so intense that you’re sure it will never go away.

Expecting those you love to be angry with you, lose respect for you or stop loving you because of choices you’ve made.

Hopeless is a terrifying place to live.

It tells you that you’re alone and nobody will understand you.

It tells you that the world and those you love will be better off without you.

It tells you that death is the only solution to end the pain you’re in.

It tells you that you’re helping your loved ones by ending their suffering too. They may be devastated now, but you’re saving them years of heartache of having to live with you.

Hopelessness is a liar, one that clouds your mind and judgement so that you believe the lies it tells you are the truth.

This week we heard about two people who died by suicide, don’t forget the 733 others. Be there for people, listen to them and guide them towards the help they need.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

 

Hello Summer, My Old Friend

Once upon a time, I hated summer.

Itwas that time of year when school schedules ended and relaxation was supposed to begin. Endless days of outside play with neighborhood kids and evening treats of Popsicles.

That’s not how it was for me though. It was endless chores and taking care of my younger brother and sister. It was making dinner and mopping floors. It was whatever my parents told me it was going to be that day.

It wasn’t anything like I imagined in should be.

When I graduated, I had a job that kept me working summers and I enjoyed the predictability of that. Knowing I had a schedule, a place to be at specific times, brought a peace to me.

Then I became a teacher and once again I had summers free. As an adult, I thought it’d be great. Endless days spending time with my friends, and basically doing whatever I wanted.

Stay in pajamas all day? Why not? Who am I going to see?

Stay in bed all day? Sure. I’m not planning on getting dressed anyway. Nobody’s coming over, I didn’t get invited anywhere. Staying in bed it is.

Depression snuck in and I was so thankful when school started again so that I could get back to my predictable schedule and have a reason to get out of bed each day.

Then I had kids. When they were little, summer was active. We did things and went places. Together. They needed me and I needed a schedule, so I scheduled what we did each day. Not specific times or anything, but a routine. First breakfast, then playing, you get the idea.

Now they’re older. They don’t need me, or even want to hang out with me most of the time. I have to find a new routine for summer.

This year my routine will include the part of chauffer to my kids. They have theater and soccer and I will be driving them everyday of the week to one or the other, if not both.

I learned a few summers ago that when I don’t find a routine for this down time of the year for me, I quickly and easily get overtaken by anxiety or depression or both.

This summer I won’t let that happen.

Thissummer I will keep myself motivated and positive.

This summer I will not allow negative self-talk a place in my brain.

This summer will be relaxing.

This summer I will have endless days with my kids, even if it is driving them from place to place.

Hello  Summer My Old Friend, let’s do this right.

 

Maybe I can’t…

I quit taking my anti-anxiety medication about 3 weeks ago, tapering off, just like my doctor recommended. I remember a post I wrote about how good I felt when that medicine kicked in and I could finally relax and breath and felt generally at ease. I still had periods of anxiety, but they lasted weeks instead of months, like they usually do when I’m not on medication.

I’ve started exercising, not a ton, I don’t want to overdo it, but it’s been gradually increasing. I’ve begun to eat more real food and less chemicals, which is definitely not an easy task.  In other words, I have been learning natural, healthy ways to fight my anxiety.

At the same time I have been doing all of that, my medicine was causing me to feel exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep, not as bad as my last medicine eventually made me feel, but my bed was my best friend. I would usually not mind that, my favorite pastime has long been taking naps, but I like to feel in control of whether I nap or clean the house or hang out with my kids or a variety of things that I find joy in, but I was to the point where sleeping was all I wanted to do.

Now, how do I feel? The restless nights have already begun. My brain doesn’t want to turn off at night. Remember that thing I said to you ten years ago? I don’t remember, until three a.m., when my brain dwells on what I could have said instead and if  I hurt your feelings or if you’re mad at me for it. It royally sucks!

I told my dear husband a few days ago that I can handle the extra energy I have when I’m off the medicine. I can even handle most of the thought spirals. I can handle anxiety most of the time with positive self-talk, exercise and healthy eating.

What I can’t handle… Why maybe I can’t do this.. (without medication) is my family and my job.

When I’m on meds,

  • every little thing doesn’t have to be perfect and I don’t dwell on them if they aren’t
  • if someone doesn’t do what I ask, no big deal, natural consequences will catch up to them sooner or later.
  • if you tick me off, I’ll let you know and I’ll get over it.

When I’m not on my meds, its like everything is magnified.

  • There’s a piece of paper on the floor, what kind of disrespectful person leaves a mess for others to clean up?
  • I asked you to do your chores and you didn’t do it the first time I asked, do you even love or respect me?
  • You ticked me off, I will yell at you until you’re tired of hearing my voice and then I’ll yell some more.

I need to be able to do this without hurting my kids, husband or students. I need to be able to do this without hurting myself.

I don’t want to sleep all the time anymore!

I don’t know though, maybe I can’t do this without medication.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!

For a long time, I didn’t think I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t think I’d be good at it. I didn’t think I’d know how to do it. I didn’t think I’d like it. I was never around babies on purpose, I didn’t babysit, I thought babies were just messy and loud, little beings that I couldn’t handle.

Then, one day I realized that I wanted kids. I was shocked, so was my husband, but he wanted them too. A couple of years later, along came the first one to make me a mom, almost three years after that along came baby two.

Let me tell you something… I never knew that being a mom was the hardest, best job in the world until I became one.

Let me tell you something else… babies are messy and loud little beings, but I could handle it, sort of, most of the time.

I was shocked to realize that newborns rarely do anything other than sleep, eat, poop and cry. A lot.

When they were little, there was a lot of laundry, a lot of cleaning and oh so many tears, both theirs and mine. There was a lot of wishing and waiting  for them to  reach the next milestone; teething, walking, talking, pre-school, kindergarten…

At some point I realized that I needed to stop looking to what was coming up next and just enjoy the stage we were in. Now that they are 13 and 10, I know my time with them will become more and more limited as they transform into teens, then young adults and finally adults and maybe even parents of their own(no rush there).

Being a mom is challenging.

There’s the constant worry about whether or not they are developing correctly. The stress of attempting to raise this strong-willed human beings into becoming productive, successful members of society. Anxiety over the fine line between advocating for them and teaching them to advocate for themselves. The constant fear of danger whenever they are out of our sights. The challenges are never-ending and ever-changing as they grow.

Being a mom is oh-so-rewarding though.

Watching them take their first tentative steps and the smile that consumes their tiny faces when they realize they did it. The way your heart swells (and eyes fill) first time they tell you they love you. Seeing the pride in their eyes when they know they can do something on their own. Hearing the full on belly laugh when the siblings are getting along (for once) and enjoying their time together.

While being a mom isn’t always easy or fun, and there are times I don’t want to hear “MOM!” (especially when I’m in the bathroom), I’m so thankful for the little people who gave me that title and all the joys and struggles that they have brought to my life.

Because of them I am a better, stronger person than I knew I was capable of being.

I Am Bruised, I Am Who I’m Meant to Be

A few months ago I had the opportunity to see Keala Settle perform at the Today Show. Of course she sang the song from The Greatest Showman that made her famous, This Is Me.  It was incredible!

The first time I heard the song was in the movie and the lyrics moved me to tears. They are powerful, uplifting and straight-to-the-heart.

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek
This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
I cried for little Mishell who thought she wasn’t worth loving.
I cried for all the little boys and girls who are told they aren’t good enough.
I cried for all the people who stay hidden, afraid to show their bruises and scars.
I cried for the strength we have to find to be able to stand up and say, “This is Me!”
I cried, thankful for all the people who have been able to be brave.
I cried for everyone who still struggles to see they are glorious.

No Forced Affection

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month and I want to end this month with a discussion about a conversation I heard a couple of DJs having on a nationwide radio station a few weeks ago.

The male DJ was explaining how upset he was and how hurt his feelings were because his teenager didn’t want to hug him anymore. The female DJ commented that it’s okay to give the kid a hug, even if they don’t want it.

Then they asked for listeners to call in with their opinions in the matter.

The consensus was that it’s okay to hug your child, even if they don’t want you to, because they are your child and you love them.

Let me tell you my opinion…

THAT IS ABSOLUTELY WRONG!!!

If it’s okay for you to force affection on a child because you love them, when is it not okay for someone to do something they are uncomfortable with because they love them?

If you force a child to accept affection when they clearly don’t want to, you are teaching them that allowing people to “love” them is acceptable, even if they don’t want the “love”!

It also teaches children that “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

It teaches them that if you love somebody you are allowed to show them your affection, even if they say no!

There is so much wrong with forced affection, just because you”love” them!

It teaches children that what they want is not as important as the wants of the person who “loves” them.

It teaches children that their body is not their own. That it’s okay for people who”love” them to use their body to meet selfish needs.

Do I need to go on?

If we are going to get anywhere near reducing the number of sexual assaults, many of which don’t get reported, we need to teach our children that their body is theirs alone and they don’t have a right to somebody else’s body because they “love” it.

Let’s teach kids to respect one another’s boundaries, by not encroaching on theirs.

Let’s teach them that “no” means “no” and that they don’t have the right to someone’s body, ever, by allowing them to choose who, when and how, they will show affection.

Maybe, if we teach consent and boundaries, there won’t be a need for Sexual Assault Awareness month in the future.

Breaking Up With Anxiety

In November, I felt as though my head was barely above water. I was overwhelmed with all that was going on in my head and found it difficult just to get through each day.

Since then, I have taken steps to try to break up with anxiety. Nothing too drastic at one time, but step by step.

I started by practicing yoga every morning and using relaxation techniques throughout the day when I began to feel overwhelmed.

Because I need sleep, my yoga routine only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning before I go to work. It has made a tremendous difference in how I feel starting my day. I’m relaxed and focused on how my body feels and aware of changes in my posture or muscles that indicate raised anxiety levels.

During the day, because of the increased awareness in my body, I know when to take deep breaths to calm down. I can also go through different muscle groups and make sure I’m relaxed. Then I can focus on the task at hand rather than trying to do it all at once and failing miserably.

Now that those tools have become second nature, I have spent the past two months slowly cutting out junk food. I started by cutting out fast food, then slowly limiting the amount of processed foods we eat at home. I will never be able to get rid of all processed foods, but I try to get minimally processed food at home.

I didn’t really notice a huge change with the foods until this past week when, for the sake of time, I stopped at a fast food place for chicken strips and fries (one of my favorite choices). I felt horrible after eating it. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I felt like I had no energy. I also didn’t sleep so good that night.

I have also started walking or cycling most days. I have to do this outside, no gym for me, I need the fresh air. My son and I have both noticed how much better we feel exercising everyday and how tired we are on the days we skip the walk or ride.

I like this new, healthier lifestyle. My family likes our new healthier lifestyle. We’re going to continue to find ways to be healthier and make healthier choices when we do wind up at a restaurant. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

I have learned ways to keep anxiety away and not allow it to dragging me down. Even if I slip and fall, I will get up and do what I know I can to break up with anxiety and stress, because I know I can.

I will not quit being healthy.

I will always work towards becoming even healthier, both physically and mentally.

Mr. Rogers said…

This week’s blog is late because I have had a difficult time comprehending the horror that happened this past week at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

I am a teacher and I got scared. My students were scared. My own children were scared. We all have questions about our own safety at a place where we spend a good portion of our daily lives.

How can we prevent this from happening at our school? At all schools?

What do we do if/when it happens to us?

Is this why schools have fences and gates now and feel like prisons?

Can teachers carry guns to protect the students?

Even though I’m the adult, I don’t know the answers to their questions, to my questions. It seems that we can’t prevent this from happening, because it keeps happening.

Four school shootings since the beginning of January. It leaves me questioning humanity.

How do people get to a point in their lives that killing people seems reasonable?

How do school shootings and the devastation they bring to a community and families turn into a fight about gun control instead of a discussion about helping people heal?

How are we so apathetic that we miss some of the warning signs?

How do we stop the carnage?

Then I see pictures like this…

and my faith in humanity is restored.

People loving people. Being there for each other with a comforting hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to stop mass killings. I kind of think that as long as there are broken people in this world, we won’t be able to.

That’s a hard thought to deal with, but as long as the helpers are there, I know that we can get through these tragedies.

I Survived!

I survived the holiday season!!!! The holiday season can be a stress and anxiety inducing time of year for many people. I am one of those.

Most years, at best, I end up in tears one or two times. At worst, I wind up with a full blown bout of anxiety complete with panic attacks, thinking everyone hates me and that I’m not good enough and nothing I do will ever be good enough.

This year though I had a plan. I shared it with you on December 2, in a post titled, “Relieve Holiday Stress.” To remind you what it was there were 5 things we can do to relieve Holiday Stress: don’t do it all, indulge without​ guilt, give useful, practical gifts, plan downtime and remember the reason for the season.

That plan has helped me this season. I’ll have to remember it again next year.

For me the most important reminder is the reason for the season, which is to celebrate Jesus’ birth and spend time with family.

It’s easy for me to remember that it’s all about Jesus. Being a Christian is a huge part of my life.

I realized though that when I stress and experience anxiety, I’m not there for my kids. And what do they really want? Do they want all the gifts that they’ll use for a few weeks at best, before they lie forgotten in the back of a closet or under the bed? Or do they want memories with family over meals shared together, shopping for others together, special holiday outings and good, old-fashioned quality family time?

I have enjoyed the quality time with them.

Christmas is in two days, and I survived!