Tag: you matter

Migraine Day: Sense Don’t Words Make The When

According to NortonHealthcare.com, approximately 39 million Americans suffer migraine attacks each year. I am one of those lucky people.

Some people don’t seem to understand just how debilitating a migraine can be and seem to think that a migraine is just a “bad headache.” A migraine is so much more than just a headache though.

A migraine wreaks havoc on many parts of your body. It can mess with your balance, your cognition, your vision, your gastrointestinal tract, your sense of smell, your sense of touch and taste and so much more.

For some people who suffer from migraines, they can be knocked down from a few hours to a few days. Many migraine sufferers have learned ways to cope with them in order to get on with life because they happen so frequently that if they don’t they may end up losing their job.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a migraine hit me during work, luckily I was working from home, but I still had students depending on me on the other side of the computer screen. When I started to feel better, later that evening I wrote a poem about it and want to share it here with all of you.

Wake up, systems check.

Nose is clear, I can breathe.

Stretch, just the usual cracks.

I can move, not too stiff.

Roll out of bed, start the day.

Morning routine, exercise.

Breakfast, brush the teeth.

Daily dose of migraine preventative.

That should do it, fingers crossed.

Need a good day, need to teach.

Pinprick of pain, behind left eye.

Could it be, a migraine coming?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Swallow the meds, for onset of pain.

Gulp some caffeine, help it to veins.

Walk ten steps, work from home.

COVID era, has some perks.

Set up Zoom, students show in tiny boxes.

Pain is gone, but words don’t work.

“Student’s hello, To Welcome Wednesday!”

Funny looks, smiling faces, in little squares.

One asks, “Are you okay?”

I laugh, “I’m fine, just tired today.”

Can’t let them know how bad it is.

It’ll get better, it always does.

Classes Zoom, Periods 1, 2, 3.

Lunch and prep pass by, I’m busy.

Time for class, Zoom again.

Ice pick stabbing my left eye.

Wave of nausea, washes over me.

Students, swim on the screen.

Tiny boxes, all blurry.

“Yesterday, work to do.

Here. Questions. Let me know.

Tomorrow. I’ll see.” Waves goodbye.

More meds, dizzy, walls in my way.

Couch close by, alarm set for the end of class.

Sleep release, gone too quick.

Back to work, at my desk.

One more class to suffer through.

School is over, for today.

Sun too bright, turn it off.

Dog too loud, make it stop.

Clothes hurt my skin, take them off.

Climb in bed, maybe tomorrow…

Divided Nation; Broken Me

Our nation just celebrated Independence Day on July 4th. It was the 244th birthday of our country. Of course there have been times that our nation has been divided, once it got so bad it lead to the Civil War and 1968 is described in multiple places as a “tumultuous year,” but it hasn’t been this divided in my lifetime.

After 9/11, for the most part, Americans joined together against a common enemy; Al Queda. It was nice to feel the solidarity between most Americans as we stood together in unity.

Fast forward to 2020, the longest year of my life and we’re only in July. It started with wildfires in Australia and the threat of World War III and we’ve experienced COVID-19 protests to get our hair cut and go to a bar to have a drink as well as protests against police brutality. I just heard that most counties in California are having to close restaurants for in restaurant dining, bars, hair salons etc. yet we are debating how to open schools safely.

Everyone is an armchair epidemiologist and knows exactly how this new virus will work, even though actual scientists, virologists, epidemiologists and other doctors are constantly learning new things because they are seeing what the virus does to people in the hospitals around the world. Because of new knowledge, scientists, the CDC and WHO are giving new guidelines and recommendations that the armchair experts are calling BS on because its different than what was said earlier. That’s the thing with learning something new; sometimes it causes you to change your mind about what you thought was true before because you have more information now.

Then we are being led by a group of people at the national level who continue to make a physical illness political. Masks help prevent the spread of all kinds of germs, not just COVID-19. We have known this for years! However, now, if you wear a mask to protect others, you are actually wearing it to show your disapproval of Trump, or because you’re scared or a sheeple or a myriad of other negative connotations that people have come up with. If you are one of the people who for whatever reason choose not to wear a mask (which I honestly don’t understand except for some health reasons, that you should probably be staying home if you have) you are called selfish, a Trumper (or worse).

Masks are dividing us. Seriously people, this is our collective health.

That brings me to the next thing that divides us. So many people who say, well it has a 99% survival rate. That means there is 1% that won’t survive and that doesn’t take into consideration that many people who “recover” will face lifelong medical complications from “surviving” COVID-19.

I also hear so many people ask about those dying of COVID, “how old were they?” or “what were their underlying conditions?” As if being old or having a preexisting condition is an acceptable reason to die of COVID before your time. I’m sure as long as it is someone they don’t know who is dying those people don’t really care.

Then there’s the argument about opening schools. All the real experts say the best way to avoid spreading COVID is to avoid crowds, close contact and confined spaces, but then so many parents who either don’t believe COVID is as dangerous as scientists say it is or are tired of having their kids at home or are worried about them falling behind some arbitrary educational goals that non-educator government officials created want their kids back in school all day. Unfortunately, there is no safe way to send kids back to school in the school buildings.

Classrooms are going to be crowded, mine cannot accommodate 6 feet of spacing between people, we’ll be lucky to get 2-3 feet of space between each person. The classrooms will be crowded and they are confined spaces. Add to that the fact that most classrooms are poorly ventilated and schools can’t afford hand sanitizer and Kleenex during a regular flu season. Schools will not be able to keep students safe if they are back in person for learning.

Schools will also not be able to keep staff safe if we have to return to in person learning, there is just not enough money to purchase enough safety product.

All of this stress leads to broken me.

People say schools need to open so parents can work. Why is it the schools responsibility to provide free daycare to parents? Why isn’t it possible for workplaces to provide variable schedules so that parents can be home with their children to provide some guidance with the distance learning that teachers are providing? Many social problems have been exposed by this pandemic, a lack of internet accessibility was exposed at the beginning of distance learning and it was up to schools to work with local internet service providers to get hotspots for families that needed it. Why can’t internet service providers provide free or low cost internet to students whose families make below a certain income? Schools already continued to provide food for children under 18 during distance learning. Many restaurants have stepped up and provided meals for seniors who are low income. That’s awesome, why can’t something similar be done for kids, oh wait, because schools will do it.

Society needs to step up and step in and begin to help with some of society’s problems that have been exposed. They can’t just leave it all to the schools to take care of. If we send all students back to in person instruction in a few weeks, there will be an even larger increase in the number of people who are infected with COVID-19. Many of those who are infected will become terribly ill, some will die. I hope it isn’t you, or someone you love.

I’m tired of feeling broken by our divided nation. We need to unite and work together to fight against this disease and stop its spread as much as possible instead of fighting each other.

Wear a mask. Stay 6 feet away. Avoid crowded places. Avoid confined spaces. Show compassion and love for others in your actions and words. And lets work together to fix society’s problems.

Mental Health Heroes

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this May it might be more important than ever as more and more people are dealing with anxiety and depression as we face the unknown of this worldwide pandemic that is killing hundreds of thousands, forever changing the lives of hundreds of thousands of others who are recovering from the illness and may have a lifetime of kidney, heart, or lung damage and then there are millions who have lost loved ones, jobs or are being forced to work in jobs where they aren’t adequately protected from contracting the virus for various reasons.

To be honest, this hasn’t been an easy time for me, not the worst that I’ve struggled with, but definitely not easy.

Anxiety is always there, telling me that I’m not good enough. Telling me that I don’t have enough food, toilet paper, money. That I won’t be able to keep paying all the bills in the future. That we both might be working now, but that could change at any moment.

I try to stay focused on the present. I’m thankful that we are both still working, for now. I know that when the economy is bad, my husband can get laid off so we are planning ahead for that, saving money, which is a lot easier, when there is nowhere to go. Staying mostly focused on the present is a huge tool for me to keep my anxiety from spiraling out of control with all the “what if” scenarios.

I want to take today to thank some of my Mental Health Heroes.

My counselors: I’ve had quite a few, beginning in high school with my school counselor who listened to my personal problems as well as helped with my school schedule to the many private counselors I’ve had. Each one of them has helped me find strategies to cope with the anxiety and depression that I deal with in my life. Some strategies work better in certain situations and at certain times, but I’m thankful for everything they taught me.

Carrie Fisher: This one might seem strange, especially since I didn’t really know her, but Princess Leia, the General of the Rebel Alliance, was a strong female leader when most leaders in movies are men. She also was not quiet about her own struggles with mental health issues. The more that people speak up the more it helps to end the stigma surrounding mental health. I admire her for that and it bolstered my strength to talk about my own mental health issues.

Daisy Rain Martin: She doesn’t necessarily advocate for mental health issues, but she does advocate for victims and in doing so she helps their mental health. I know that my finding her was a God-send and reading her story gave me the courage to find my voice and tell my story so that others can find the courage to tell their story.

Holly Chamberlain: Who I haven’t met in person, but is a constant reminder that I matter.

My Siblings: We each have our own issues, but we have each other to talk to and help each other out. I don’t know if I would have survived my childhood without them, and I can’t imagine my adulthood without them in it. We may not see each other as much as we’d like since we live in different states, but we are close in heart and when we do talk, its as though no time has passed.

My Children: I know that I need to take care of my mental health so that I can be the absolute best mom I can be to them. Sometimes they can trigger my mental health issues, but that’s when my counselors come back in. I love my kids and will do whatever it takes to be as mentally healthy as I possibly can for them. I will also teach them that there is nothing bad about acknowledging that we need to take care of our mental health just as much as our physical health.

My Husband: When I met my husband, I was coming out of one of the darkest times of my life. He had no idea what he was getting into. He has been devoted and caring to me for the past 19 years and helps me when he can help me and encourages me to seek professional help (my counselors) when he knows that I need help beyond what he can provide. He is supportive in everything related to my mental health issues, even when he doesn’t completely understand it all. I know that without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

My Friends: I have a whole bunch of friends who may or may not know that they are a part of my mental health team. I learned a long time ago that I can’t do this alone. I need other people to be in my life to support me along the way. That’s where all of you come in. You’re there for me when I need someone to hang out with, or talk to, or just to spy on, on Facebook or Twitter. Thank you all for being a part of my life.

I just wanted to let you all know that I have Mental Health Heroes during this month when we work towards Mental Health Awareness. Let’s all work together to #endthestigma.

We’re In This Together!

But at least we can remember that we’re all in this together.

As shelter in place is continuing in most places around the world (I know there are some places, even here in the U.S. that have chosen not to shelter in place or are coming out of it) more and more people are becoming restless for it to end soon. Even the President of the United States is talking about it ending by May 1st. And Dr. Oz said yesterday that sending kids back to school is okay because only 2-3 percent will die.

I’ve read multiple people complaining (?), praising (?), questioning (?), about how low the numbers of people testing positive for Coronavirus and dying from related complications. I’ve even replied to a few of them that perhaps the numbers are so low, because so many of us have been practicing social distancing and it’s having an impact on the transmission of the disease. Which is the reason that the shelter in place orders were given to begin with.

Sometimes I’ve been able to participate in civil discussions with people about different viewpoints about this whole pandemic. That’s interesting and fun and educational. I learn new things. I see things from somebody else’s point of view. These discussions can bring people together.

More often however, in social media as well as in the news media, I see people end up insulting one another. I see people turning against others.

Instead of the global crisis bringing people together, it seems to be tearing us apart.

Instead of people banding together to help one another, I see people blaming others.

Instead of listening to scientists as they race to figure this virus out, I hear people blaming them for creating the pandemic.

I hear people complain about what the government is doing to try to protect us, but not offering a solution except to let us all get the virus to have “herd immunity.” Which isn’t a good solution for the thousands who will die because their body cannot fight off the virus.

I know there is good out there. I see that too. I see the people sewing face masks for others. I see John Krasinski starting his “Some Good News” YouTube show. I see people thanking essential workers in lots of ways. I see people helping those who have lost jobs. I know there is good out there too.

We’re all frustrated. None of us really know when this is going to end. It’s having devastating consequences on the economy and people’s mental and emotional health. If we end the shelter in place orders too quickly it could have a devastating impact on the death toll and hospitals, which so far we’ve been able to mitigate in most places in America. I don’t have a solution to any of the problems we are facing economically, emotionally, mentally, or physically for the entire world, but I do have some suggestions that will help us all to get along a little better since we’re all in this together:

  • take care of yourself, stay away from people, places that you know can make you sick whether that with Coronavirus, allergies, flu, whatever–due what you can to stay healthy.
  • If you get sick, call the doctor and follow their directions.
  • If someone offers a different perspective, look at it, you might learn something new, even if you don’t look at it, don’t insult the person just because they think differently then you.
  • establish a routine for yourself, try to sleep, wake and eat at roughly the same times each day.
  • exercise every day, outside if you can. The sun and fresh air will do wonders for your mood.
  • If you’re in a bad place with someone who abuses you call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go their website https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-live-chat/ where you can live chat with someone who can help you.
  • Reach out to people if you need to, if you know someone who struggles with their mental health, reach out to them. It’s not always easy to ask for help.
  • Pray. Having a higher being to talk to helps many people.
  • If you qualify for unemployment, apply for it. It’ll take awhile, but it’s worth it to get that extra help. It’s going to be a long time before the economy gets back to normal, because it’s not just our economy, it’s the world economy that’s in bad shape.

I’m sure there are other things that will help you, you just need to figure out what they are. One of the biggest things I can encourage people to do is to remember that we may not all believe the same things, we may not all want the same things, we may not all be afraid of the same things, but we are all in this together and need to be nice and have patience with one another so that as many people as possible make it out alive and healthy.

Last night on Disney’s sing along (yes I watched it, no my kids didn’t) one of the last songs was from High School Musical: “We’re All In This Together”. It seems to be a fitting anthem for this global crisis we find ourselves in now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6cXxLTr6Ao

I’m a teacher and This is NOT a Vacation

We all have bad days from time to time, right now, in the midst of this worldwide coronavirus pandemic, there are probably many people who are having bad days. I know that my day isn’t the worst one out there. I still have a job, a house, food and most importantly, toilet paper, although I could use some hand sanitizer and I’m beginning to run low on soap.

The main reason that I’m having a bad day is that I just got word, that what I’ve been dreading since I first heard that things were closing down and that we needed to shelter at home, is official.

School buildings in my district are officially closed for the remainder of the school year.

Distance learning will continue to happen, but the connections to students just aren’t the same through the computer as they are in the classroom. I had so much more to teach them and I’m not talking about the curriculum.

April is sexual assault awareness month as well as autism awareness month and I make both of them a big deal in my classroom.

I want them to know they are loved for who they are, I don’t only care about them because of the grades they earn, I care about them enough to want them to learn and earn good grades.

I want them to know that its okay to make mistakes and that mistakes are actually a huge part of learning for the rest of their lives.

I want them to know that the knowledge they learn in school is useful, but not just the curriculum. It’s learning to work with others, time management, learning to learn, expanding what they know, looking deeper into things, asking relevant questions, thinking for themselves and not just following others, respect for themselves and others and so much more.

I want my students who may not come from the best families to know that their background doesn’t determine their future, they do.

I want my students to know that college may not be for everyone, they may be better off going to a trade school or opening a business. College doesn’t teach people to fix my backed up kitchen sink, but a plumber knows how to do that and can charge me an arm and a leg to do it in an emergency. We also need people who can build houses, install electricity components, fix cars, farm our food etc.

I want other students to know that if they want to go to college to absolutely go for it. We always need more business people, more teachers, doctors, nurses, scientists, computer technicians, graphic artists, authors, etc.

I want them to know that they are capable of doing great things, they just have to be willing to put in the work to accomplish them, whether that’s brain work or physical work, most great things don’t come easy.

I want my students to know that their education is up to them. They are responsible for how much or how little they learn. I can only give them the resources and guide them in the right direction, I can’t cut open their heads and pour the information in. It’s up to them to read and write and do the work required to get an education.

I want them to know that getting an education doesn’t end when their time in school ends. They can learn new things for the rest of their lives.

I want my students to know that I miss them. I miss coming to the classroom everyday and seeing their faces, whether they were smiling, angry, ambivalent or whatever that day held. I miss them. I miss joking with them and talking to them and getting to know more about them. I miss seeing their eyes light up when they make a connection with the material and see how something from the past relates to today.

I want my students to know, I’m not done with them. I will do my best to teach them remotely. I will do my best. No matter how much of the work they do, I will continue to provide them with opportunities to learn. I will do this because I am a teacher and this is NOT a vacation.

Victim Blaming has to STOP!!!!!

First of all I want to apologize for not writing for so long. Something has been going on with the website, I don’t know what it is, but every time I write something it won’t load. In fact, I’m writing this wondering if it will load, hoping that it does. Anyway, I have been thinking about writing this post for months, since November actually, but wasn’t emotionally prepared to do it, but I am now, so here we go.

When I was 15 years old I was dating a handsome guy with brown eyes and dark hair. He was the first boy to make me feel really special and to make me feel like I had to earn his love. However, I had to earn my parent’s love, so earning love wasn’t new to me. There was one thing I wouldn’t do though, I wasn’t going to have sex with him. I told him that from the start and multiple times throughout the relationship.

We had been dating for ten months when he asked me to go with him to one of his friend’s apartments with him, I had met the friend before so I agreed. When we got there, his friend wasn’t there, but he had the key to let us in. I thought that was a weird, but I trusted him so I went in with him when he explained that the friend had given him the key because he knew he’d get there later than us.

My boyfriend led me to the couch and started kissing me, whispering that we might as well make good use of the time alone. So we started making out. Next thing I knew he had me pinned down on the couch, I was wearing a skirt, and he was forcing himself inside of me. There was nothing nice or romantic about what he was doing. When he was done, he told me to clean up before his friend got there and knew what I had done.

I was humiliated. I was horrified. I was shocked. I was scared. I was broken. I was crying (he told me to stop). I was devastated.

Nobody would know what I had done. I tried to bury myself in the couch while he was on top of me, but the couch wouldn’t open up and swallow me. I couldn’t get away from him because he weighed almost a hundred pounds more than me and had me pinned beneath him. I didn’t tell him to stop.

I was too humiliated to tell a soul. I was scared if I broke up with him he’d tell people that I’d had sex with him, or people would ask me why I broke up with him and I couldn’t tell anybody what happened, so I stayed. I was ashamed.

Months later, I finally told someone what he did to me, and finally called it what it was, rape. They had to report it to the police. I was questioned. The officer asked me if I had told anybody when it happened. He asked me why I stayed. He asked me if I ever said no or told him to stop. He blamed me for being raped. It was my fault because I went with him willingly to the apartment, because I never said no, because I didn’t tell him to stop, because I didn’t fight back.

It took years for me to realize that it wasn’t my fault. Everyone from that police officer to my rapist, to my mom, to my best friend, to the teachings of my church told me it was my fault that I was raped.

In November I read an excellent book that wasn’t easy to read. There were times that I threw the book across the bed or couch where I was sitting. Other times I was ugly crying with loud angry sobs and snot running out of my nose. I would definitely recommend the book to anyone who has been sexually assaulted or who knows someone who has been sexually assaulted. It was hard to read, but oh so worth it.

It was written by the Stanford rape survivor Chanel Miller and it’s called Know My Name.

So many people blamed her for being raped because she was drunk. There is never a reason for rape except that the rapist is a rapist.

One of the quotes from the book that stands out to me shows how ridiculous it is that so many people blame sexual assault victims for the crime against them, when they don’t so easily blame other victims for crimes against them.

Nobody really expects you to fight back if a person steals your purse or car or breaks into your house, but they expect you to fight back when you are being sexually assaulted and if you don’t then it’s your fault or you must have wanted it.

I had been telling my boyfriend for ten months that I didn’t want to have sex, he knew I didn’t want to have sex, so if I had told him while he had my arms pinned above my head and was laying on top of me forcing himself into me, would me telling him “NO” have made him stop. I was crying and that didn’t make him stop so I doubt any words would have worked.

The police officers let me know that there was nothing that they could really do, especially since it had been over a year by the time I talked to them and he was in the Marines at that point. After the Marines, my rapist has gone on to become a police officer in New Orleans.

I have healed, for the most part, I still have moments that are hard. I have an amazing husband and family and a great job. I love the life I have despite what happened to me when I was 15 years old.

My daughter is now 15. I look at her and hope that she never has to endure what I went through, especially not at that age. 15 is so young, too young to have to endure such trauma, alone.

Let’s all make a promise to stop victim blaming.

If you have been a victim of Sexual Assault

Need help?

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Yay, We Made It!

We did it. We’ve reached the end of another year and another decade! That’s pretty darn impressive if you ask me. Not only did we survive the last 365 days, we’ve survived the last 10 years!

For some people that may not seem like such a big deal, but for people who deal with mental illness that can be a huge accomplishment. I’m talking gigantic. Humongous. Enormous. Let’s just say, it’s definitely something to talk about.

For so many people, just getting out of bed each day is a struggle. When you add on to that work, and eating and possibly taking care of other people, like spouses or children who depend on you, each task can seem monumental and exhausting.

Because of this, the fact that we are all here, at the end of 2019 is amazing! I’m so glad we’ve all made it this far on this ride called life.

As we look back at the past year, or decade (or week) and we see all that we’ve been through, both good and bad, let’s be thankful that we are here. We. Are. Here. We have survived until this point and we have learned how strong we are through the trials of life. Our strength will continue to carry us through the days, weeks, months and years to come.

Each moment we have, both good and bad, will pass; nothing lasts forever. The good moments leave us with happy memories that we can grasp and look back on to remember the good times when things aren’t going so good. they remind us that things can be happy. The bad times teach us about our strength, they give us insight to ourselves and others and they show us life lessons. We can use what tough times teach us the next time that the going gets tough. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

As I look forward I hope that 2020 is a great year for everybody, as perfect as the vision it promises (ha ha, okay bad joke.)

I have stopped making resolutions because they usually only last me about a day. I do make life changes though, sometimes in January, sometimes at other times of the year. So far, the life changes I’ve made have helped me in managing my mental illnesses much more successfully and I plan to continue that in the New Year.

I hope that if you make resolutions or make life changes that you stick to them and they make your life better and more fulfilled. I hope that you are able to manage your mental, emotional and physical health throughout the New Year.

Thank you all for reading my blog. If you haven’t done it already, please subscribe to get the blog delivered to your email whenever I write a new post (usually on Saturdays, but this is a “Special New Year’s Eve Edition”).

#endthestigma Proud Mom Brag

I have two awesome kids and I’m super proud of them a lot. They are both friendly, smart, and totally different from each other.

In this post I’m going to brag on my daughter, just to warn you.

If you don’t want to know the incredible thing she did this week, stop reading now.

If you do want to know what she did this week to make me so proud, please continue reading.

She’s in eighth grade and taking a leadership class. This past week they were assigned to give a short, informative presentation, like a TED talk, but only about 2 minutes long.

The students picked their topics and some were; the importance of the gas light in your car, art, phobias, being a blonde, being a brunette, there was even one about TED talks.

My daughter chose to talk about mental health disorders. She wanted students her age to understand how common mental health disorders are, how they affect people’s lives  and not to make fun of people who have them.

She cautioned people to not use the names of mental health disorders lightly. For example, saying you have OCD because you’re organized. She informed her classmates that saying those sorts of things can really hurt someone suffering from that mental health disorder

.

The best thing is she didn’t even tell me about the talk; she usually goes about her school life without telling me what she’s doing. A student in her class told her mom about my daughter’s talk because it made such an impression on her. That mom came and told me.

When I asked my daughter about it, she shrugged it off like no big deal. She just thought people needed to know.

I can not put into words how proud I am.

#endthestigma

Fantastic New Song by Avril Lavigne

I have been having a fantastic, busy past few weeks, I haven’t even had much time to blog, so I’ll give a quick update before I introduce this amazing new song.

Last year, I started having a hard time with the anti-anxiety medication I was on. It made me not care about anything and all I ever wanted to do was sleep, I was always sooooooo tired. I like to get one medication out of my system before starting another one, so I asked my doctor is I could take the summer off any medication so that I could see how I do without it. It’s been years since I haven’t been on medication and while it initially works, each one I’ve been on has ultimately left me feeling exhausted and not caring about anything.

By the end of May, I was off medication and I tried natural ways to relieve my anxiety. I have a regular bedtime that I do my best to keep, whether its a weekday or not. I do my best to stay away from food that is made more out of chemicals than real food. I drink far less soda than I used to and way more water. I also walk two miles most mornings before I do anything else and practice yoga stretching and breathing exercises while listening to a local Christian radio station,which a friend of mine DJs on.

Overall, I feel so much better. I have energy that I didn’t have at the end of my run with medication. I’m feeling physically fit, I can walk two miles in 30 minutes. I’m losing weight from eating better foods. I don’t feel anxious all the time about every little thing.

Having said that, my anxiety is not completely gone. I still have the occasional panic attack, complete with rapid breathing, tears, and my whole body shaking. Sometimes I know what situation has caused it, sometimes I don’t. What I do know is that all I have to do to get through it, is focus on something relaxing, and take some deep breaths until the panic passes.

I still worry about random things too. For example, this past week I was in Washington DC, where I used public transportation to get around. It was hot there, but I wouldn’t wear shorts because I didn’t want to put my bare legs on the seats in the subway trains because somebody else may have put there bare legs there. It doesn’t even matter though because I’m going to take a shower, so who cares? I did. Little things like that still cause me excessive worry, but I can function. I just wore pants and went on with my life, the same exact germs that I didn’t want on my legs got on my pants instead. It all worked itself out in the end and I had a fantastic time taking new people to one of my favorite places.

Now, to this song by Avril Lavigne, called “Head Above Water”.  The words of the song tell my story and the story of so many others who suffer with anxiety. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. Thank you Avril Lavigne for putting these feelings into such an amazing song and video.

This song brings hope!

I have Survived!

For us, here in my little town, school started two weeks ago and I have survived. There is only seven weeks left until we get our two-week fall break; that’s only 34 more school days. Or six more weekends.

However you want to look at it, we’re in the midst of it and having fun, at least I think we’re having fun, I’m too tired to tell.

One of the symptoms of anxiety for me is trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I regularly take 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep, while my husband can close his eyes and is out immediately. Then, I often wake up during the night and will lay there for two or three hours counting sheep, saying the alphabet backwards, counting down from 100 by threes, connecting countries, or any myriad of other sleep tricks I’ve learned, only to fall asleep just before my alarm goes off.

Lucky (?) for me, this week I have been so tired from school that I haven’t had any trouble falling asleep, or staying that way until my alarm wakes me in the morning. I’m loving it. I love my sleep.

I have amazing, complicated teen-aged human beings to take care of during the day and teach them about psychology or history depending on what class they’re in. Its fun! I love what I do.

Seeing those light bulb moments are incredible.

Knowing that they have learned that it’s okay to make mistakes is beyond compare.

Watching them realize that they are valuable and love-able is priceless.

My goal this year, is not to merely survive each day in exhaustion, but to make sure that each student knows, every day, exactly how valuable they are, that they matter and my class would be worse off without them.

So far, I think I’m accomplishing that.  I hope I’m accomplishing that.

I have survived and so will they!